Alfas And Exes

Occasionally, I share an image for fun, but today’s picture is a cry for help.

This, right here, is me.

Just before I realised something that would lead me to an Islamic cleric in Apongbon. 

You probably know that I rarely post my pictures. I simply don’t feel the need to. Occasionally, I share an image for fun, but today’s picture is a cry for help.

Look.

I’m far from a Kim Kardashian. More of a Naomi, really. Oblong face, slim build, pelvic bones for hips, tiny butt with the consistency of Ibadan Amala. (Looks exactly like that too, if you’re interested in the graphics).

Recently, I noticed that I was being catcalled.

The occasional “fine girl” from a gateman. “Kyakkyawar mace”, from the Hausa guy that tends my bushes (oh get out). Or “Omo Ele” from a conductor - would make me grin hard.

But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was while I was smiling like a fool, I had failed to realise that these were the only type of men that found me attractive.

My spec will look at me and carry face but once our 70 year old vigilante sees me coming down from danfo, he will chook moimoi in my hand and tell me to come and see him in his security house.

I didn't mind the moimoi obviously, but this was a problem. 

When I told my mother, she waved it off, “Oh please. The more refined men are probably scared of you”.

Why is it me they’re scared of? Do I look like King Kong? Till now, I have not done, ‘my view, his view’. Do you know how many relationship trends have passed me by? What about Wenever Yuredi?

My mum stopped responding. She wasn’t superstitious, but I knew who was. My Aunty Ruka. I came to her with my predicament and it was not long before we were at her Alfa’s place.

Let me tell you something about Alfas, don’t go to them if you have anything meaningful to do that day. They will be pulling tesba and looking at you like you’re the one that increased their house rent.

After doing 1 million Astaghfirullahs', he said someone I had slept with took my destiny. Aunty Ruka looked at me and shouted “WHO?!”

How was I supposed to know who took the destiny? It’s not like they told me in the middle of hot fornication that “Hauwa o! I will be taking your destiny as souvenir o”.

Is it Kolade I will call and be asking? Or Seun that blocked me because I used his uncle with the elephantiasis leg to beg for money.

Alfa asked of the man who disvirgined me, and I said it was Taofeek.

Alfa: Did he say something to you before you started?

Me: Yes

Alfa: What?

Me: It won’t pain you

Alfa:

After the back and forth, Alfa said I had to look to the richest man I slept with and that’s how I knew he was a detty liar because is that not the whole point of coming here? Rich men don’t find me attractive. Abeti yin di ni?

He said the man that took my destiny was the one I slept with in 2010 and it hit me. Segun.

The way that boy used me, my destiny probably ran away. But the problem was Segun was in jail.

Alfa finally called his assistant in to give me prayer water to drink.

The next day, I woke up feeling like a new woman. I knew it worked. I was ready for my tech bros with big money. Just then my phone rang. With the sweetest voice, I said hello and the next thing.

“Is me. AbuQadri”

“Who is AbuQuadri? And how did you get my number?”

“It’s me that give you that water. Alfa second in command.”

“And so? What happen?”

“When are you coming again? I am thinking about you.”

Wo, if you see the power I used to abuse him and cut that call. I hissed and got up when my phone rang again. I was about to curse that boy when I heard another voice. 

“Hauwa, it is Segun. They just release me”

I looked at the ceiling. Did my daddy force someone to do abortion and they off cloth at 3am to swear for him? Because they say curses usually skip a generation. 

“Hello! Hauwa! I don’t want this call to enter 1 minute o”

Werey is even at business center.

I finally answered, “Just come to that Apongbon side. Say you are going to Alfa Moruf’s house”

“Is that where you are living now?”

“No but we will use his house as hotel because he collected money from me. And you owe me destiny so after we finish, he will give me back”

“Ehn no wahala.”

I was about to storm off when a message came in from Abdul Quadri.

“U r lyk flawa. Plz b myn”

I burst into hot tears. Someone should help me. PLEASE! I need to marry this year. While you’re finding solution, let me go and collect Segun’s prison gift.

Save a life.

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