Among Other Things: Love Is A Scam

Don’t trust your landlady, love is a scam and Lagos restaurants are out for blood.

It’s been a minute.

I apologise for staying away this long. Ramadan has been kicking my butt. On most days, my brain is low on energy, on others, Lagos is showing me pepper.

Yesterday, I noticed we passed 14,000 subscribers here. I was telling my friend how thankful I am for this community. Although I have more followers on IG and TW, this 14k is special to me. This newsletter is our safe space.

So thank you for 14k. Now, let’s get to what’s been happening in my life since I last wrote to you.

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Two weeks ago, I saw a ram tied up outside my landlord’s wing, casually eating grass. 

This would not have been a big deal to me if this was the Big Eid. 

(For context, muslims have two Eid celebrations in a year. There is the one where you slaughter a ram and the one that happens after Ramadan where you don’t have to.)

But my Landlord and Landlady clearly have money because what is ram doing outside their gate for this Eid? I ran inside to call my parents and inform them that I won’t be coming to Ikorodu for Eid because clearly, you guys want me to suffer. I’ll come home now and be washing plate. Abeg.

My plan was set: I’d be checking in on my Landlady until Ramadan is over so she’ll remember me when she’s sharing meat on EID. 

Two days later, I was praying when I started smelling fried meat from my Landlady’s compound. Fried meat ke? Why? Who is doing party? Is that my ram? It can’t be. Eid has not reached now. It is not possible!

I dashed outside in my nightgown and our ram had disappeared. I peered inside their gate to see if they just moved the ram temporarily. No ram. As I was shouting ‘As-Salam Aleykum o’, nobody even answered me.

Landlords: 1

Hauwa: 0

Nice one. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

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Last week, I witnessed a proposal.

I didn’t know the couple. I had just gone down to the beach to clear my head that night.

They had tiny bulbs lighting up a path, littered with red rose petals. A huge ‘Will You Marry Me?’ banner was stationed at the end of the small aisle. The set up was a small distance from the shore but close enough for the photographer to capture the water washing onto the beach. The fiance-to-be was standing at the end of the aisle and his babe was walking towards him, laughing, as the wind blew her obviously-expensive bone straight wig.

Violinists were playing a tune I was so sure would be etched in the lovers’ memories.

But that wasn’t going to be the most memorable part of the evening.

I’m assuming the babe didn’t know of the proposal so it was planned by her man which led me to believe he is an oversabi person.

He could have stopped at everything but as an oversabi, he hired a fire torch juggler so, that one was doing his work behind them. Only for the juggler to throw fire at the banner. Banner went up in flames. Oversabi groom-to-be ran to save the banner. I don’t know if fire caught his stupid suit (because why the fuck are you wearing suit to propose?)

Anyway, he started running for the beach. His babe was following him and shouting. Because why was he running? He was not on fire.

At one point, she stopped and left him to keep running. It might have been because she was tired but, I choose to believe that she realised this stupid boy wanted to kill her and she did not sign up for this nonsense.

So, I’m in the corner, laughing like a witch and family & friends are looking at me.

Me, I carried my shoe, left over spaghetti and went back home.

Love: 0

Hauwa: 1

😈

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Last weekend, I wanted to knock one Italian child.

I took my friend out on an iftar date and when the bill came, I immediately started sweating. Do you know that in the middle of my sweat, one nonsense italian child was running up and down the restaurant shouting, “Guarda papà!”

I was so mad. I’m trying to pay and this one is holding pizza, running up and down and shouting Papa? You and your papa head no correct.

I paid, left and blocked that my friend because you cannot say you’re my friend and watch me pay that kind of money.

Lagos Restaurants: 1

Hauwa: 0

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So that’s all that’s been happening in my life. Don’t trust your landlady, love is a scam and Lagos restaurants are out for blood.

It’s your turn. What has been going on in your life?