Can Tinubu Stop Giving Me Heart Attack? 😩

I thought war had come. HAY! People have started fighting and politicians have sent war drone to the mainland

If you’ve been paying close attention to Nigerian news, you probably already know that yesterday, Bola Ahmed Tinubu was announced the winner of the 2023 Presidential elections. This means, a few months down the line, he will be sworn in as the next President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

And that singular piece of information wants to kill me.

When they announced him as president-elect, Twitter was racked with different reactions. The people that actually wanted him to be president were celebrating while the people who wanted Peter Obi were just weak. The exhaustion was clear.

And then, there is me. 

While I am motivated by the people who want to go out and contest the elections, I can also relate to the people that just want to sit at home. 

I mean, I want a better Nigeria but my birthday is coming and I don’t want them to shoot me before it comes. I’m saving money for birthday party. I don’t want to use the money to collect ward at Gbagada General Hospital. 😭 

Tinubu man won’t even care about me and even if Sanwo-Olu comes to see me, he will just use me for photo-ops. Before you know it, my black bandaged face with Sanwo-Olu smiling next to me and doing a thumbs up is on the front page of The Guardian. *Cries in a bastard way*

Anyway, that’s not the point of this email.

The point is, this Tinubu Presidency is giving me heart attack.

Yesterday, I was laying on my prayer mat and scrolling through Twitter when I heard a loud aircraft noise. I thought war had come. HAY! People have started fighting against BAT and he has sent war drone to the mainland. I flew off my mat and ran outside. HAY!

Why didn’t I rent house on the island!? Why did I come to this mainland? I bet they won’t disturb island people because politicians are there. 

I looked up at the sky. I didn’t see war drone. I ran outside my gate to look again until it occurred to me that if they wanted to throw bomb, it will land directly on my face. I knew I was stupid but I didn’t know I was this stupid. Imagine using face to collect bomb. I ran back inside before the bomb falls on me. 

I dashed into my kitchen to start drinking all my iced-tea. I used my hard-earned money to buy that ice-tea and I will be really angry if I die before I finish it. Then, the Maryland cookies I was hiding from my friend when she came, I ate everything.

In the middle of eating, I didn’t hear the sound again. That’s when it occurred to me that it was just a plane and war had not come.

Thank God.

Because I didn’t finish the ice-tea.

Later that night, I was sleeping on my bed when I heard the purge sound. I jumped out of my bed to carry cutlass. For people that don’t know what The Purge is - It is a time, usually from 7 p.m. until 7 a.m where all crime is legal and no laws are enforced, including murder. During that time, emergency services are also suspended, essentially creating a situation in which no help is coming.

I already know that I hate that stupid foreman that works in the construction beside our house. He is the one I will first go and fight with. Second, I’ll break my ex’s head. Can’t stand that boy. Third, I will scatter my alfa’s leg. For some reason, I don’t like him. I was going through the list of people that are owing me money when the sound stopped. Apparently, the sound was coming from our neighbour’s TV.

I dropped the cutlass and slumped on the bed.

Honestly, I was relived because that foreman hates me too and I’m sure I will be the first one he’ll come for. And that stoopid man carries block everyday so he’ll probably finish me first.

I know we are all handling this news differently. While some are eerily calm, some are anxious and me? I’m just downright paranoid.

How are you doing?

(This is a judgement free zone so say whatever you like. Nobody can beat you.)