Daddy Suraju And His Spiritual Problem I

Why should I waste my time praying?

INTERIOR. FAMILY HOUSE. NIGHT

Friday. 2am.

The elders have gathered in the parlour of our debilitating family house. My youngest uncle, Daddy Suraju,  is on the ground with tears rolling down his face and mucus, down his nostrils. He looks a stupid mess.

I’m on my knees.

Olori Ebi is frowning at me. This is the 3rd time this month that they’re holding a family meeting because of me. My dad is pointing a koboko at me and my Grandpa is chewing on the meat that has been in his mouth since 9am.

Everytime I look at grandpa, I wonder why he has not left us but who am I to question God? But still, why? Why are we still keeping him? Is it not ‘Ijoba Orun’ we should be singing for him? Is he a goat? Why won’t he die?

Daddy Suraju: (rolls on the floor again) HEEEEEIIIIIII 

Me: (frowns at Daddy Suraju) Daddy Sura, all this karamo you are displaying is not necessary. What has happen has happen.

Olori Ebi: Shut up! Is what Daddy Suraju saying true? Did you ruin his life?

Me: Did you check his akosejaiye and they said his life has spoil?

My dad: (bangs stick on my head) Is that what we ask you? Are you deaf?

Me: (rubs my head) No sir.

Olori Ebi: You know we are supposed to be sleeping at this time?

Me: Ehn let’s go and sleep then.

Daddy Suraju: (rolls again) HEIIIIIIIII

Me: Me, I have work in the morning o.

Daddy Suraju: The work you use to spoil my life!

Olori Ebi: Did you spoil his life? Answer me before I rush you with blow.

Me: I didn’t ruin…

Daddy Suraju: That stupid girl is lying! She is lying! She scatter my life to pieces. 

Me: Your penis scatter your life, Daddy Sura.

My dad pounces on me and everybody starts trying to drag him away.

Grandpa: (chews slowly) I want more meat.

Everybody:

Silence

Me: Don’t you think we should sell Grandpa?

Dad: The way you will sell me when I’m old?

My daddy stands up again.

Olori Ebi: Heis! Baba Hauwa, sit down. That’s not what we came here for. Hauwa, what exactly happen between you and daddy Sura?

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Flashback

Monday. Four Days Ago.

EXTERIOR. COMPANY COMPOUND. NIGHT.

I was feeding our company goat and eating moimoi when Daddy Sura entered the gate.

Me: Welcome to our office where we use to fast and pray for people with spiritual problem. Which spiritual problem do you have? One day fasting and prayer is N7,500. If you problem is much we…

Daddy Suraju: Shut up that your stupid mouth! What are you looking for here?

Me: I am the new staff.

Daddy Suraju: Why goat just full everywhere? Are you selling goat?

Me: Is that what you came to ask? 

Daddy Suraju: Show me your Oga, it is not you I want to talk to.

Me: If you don’t tell me what you want, I cannot allow you to enter.

Daddy Suraju:

Me:

Daddy Suraju: I sleep with someone and she carry belle.

Me: Is this place now hospital?

Daddy Suraju: You’re a foolish girl. I don’t know how you came to our family. We don’t always have foolish people.

Me: Next time, write letter to God.

Daddy Suraju: (frowns at me and tries to enter)

Me: (blocks his way)

Daddy Suraju: Ok. I give winch belle. I now run away. Now, she want to kill me with her coven members.

Me: Mummy Sura is not doing witchcraft o

Daddy Suraju: Shut up that your mouth there. Who is talking about Mummy Suraju? 

Me: Who now carry belle for you?

Daddy Suraju: Bisi oni robb

Me: The girl grandpa hire to be massaging his arthritis leg? That’s who you sleep with?

Daddy Suraju: Ehn.

Me:

Daddy Suraju: Why are you looking at me with that stupid eye?

Me: Is it that you know she is a witch before you sleep with her or…

Daddy Suraju: Yes but her yansh confuse me.

Me: Ehn. Collect the pregnancy now.

Daddy Suraju: (scratches head) Mummy Sura rent trailer yesterday.

Me: For what?

Daddy Suraju: To march me on express if I collect any belle.

Me: We will print obituary for you.

Daddy Suraju: ARE YOU MAD? I SAY YOU SHOULD FAST AND PRAY FOR ME.

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FRIDAY. PRESENT DAY. 2:25 AM

Olori Ebi: And did you fast for him?

Me: I fast

Daddy Suraju: She didn’t fast o. I saw her buying condom. Is someone that is fasting suppose to be buying condom?

Me: If you bought condom too, will we be in this situation? Will witch carry belle for you?

Dad: You are buying condom?

Me: Daddy. Is not easy. This weather want to kill me.

My dad almost pounces on me but the nail in our chair holds his agbada down.

Me: (thinks about it) Daddy, why are you wearing agbada at 2:30am?

Daddy Suraju: We don’t have time for this o! They are coming!

Olori Ebi: Hauwa. What now happen next?

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Translation

Karamo - Drama

Akosejaiye - Destiny

Bisi Oni Robb - Bisi that sells rob