Date Oyinbo People At Your Own Risk 😩

Even me too, only man I use my head to think about.

Dating Lagos men will test you. But you see oyinbo people? Hei.

I will admit that I know next to nothing about caucasian men but because I grew up on sappy American romantic movies, I just assumed white men was where romance started and stopped. And that was exactly what was going through my head when I met this oyinbo boy. 

A little back story.

I had an interview shoot on Lagos Island but because I live on the other side of town, I made sure to leave early enough because everyone knows the atrocity that is Lagos traffic. Unfortunately, I got there on time but was delayed, causing me to miss my next appointment. After the interview, I marched straight to my favourite restaurant with a huge frown on my face. However, just before I walked in, I saw an oyinbo boy coming out of the restaurant with my friend.

“Hauwa?”, my friend called out, clearly surprised to see me.

Hei. Who is this boy with you o? My frown quickly vanished. And this is my problem. The minute I see boy like this, I don’t use to think properly. I completely forgot all my anger.

“Thomas, this is Hauwa, my friend”, she introduced us, “Hauwa, Thomas. He is in Nigeria for his doctorate research”

Ahnahn. A book worm. Hehehe. I don’t know book but it doesn’t matter. Well, hello Tommy Boy.

We shook hands and they left. I put Oyibo boy out of my head but after I got home, showered and got into bed, my phone rang. It was my friend.

Her: Babe. Thomas was asking about you all the way back.

Me: *sits up in bed and smiles with all my teeth outside* Ehn-ehn? 

I increased the volume of my phone so I can hear properly.

Me: What did he say?

I twired the ends of my duvet like a love struck teenager.

Her: He would like to take you out on a date but I said no for you sha.

I frowned.

Me: Who send you? Don’t you want me to marry?

Her: He has weird hobbies, babe.

Me: He dey kill person?

Her: No, he just like animals too much.

Me: He use to play with lion?

Her: No now.

Me: Ehn so what’s now the problem? Plis give him my number. Who say you should be talking for me?

Her: Hauwa….

Me: Don’t Hauwa me plis. Give him.

She agreed to put us in contact and that night, I dreamt of my relocation because if you know the number of times I have applied to the US embassy and they have given me ela? You will pity me. In retrospect, I should have listened to my friend but do I have sense? Noooo. 

OUR FIRST DATE.

I wore a beautiful orange dress with fiery patterns on it and the minute I walked in, he pulled out the chair for me like a proper gentleman. I was like ope o. I have finally left the clutches of mad Nigerian men. Thank God for my life.

He ordered a salmon salad and I asked for hot rice with plenty stew and a chapman. As soon as the waiter left, he leaned in to whisper to me.

“I feel like I can tell you anything”

Ahnahn. Of course now.

“Your dress reminds me of dragons. I’m obsessed with them.”

This is what that my stupid friend was talking about? Ehn who don’t now like dragon?

“Me too I like dragons o. Even this girl. Khaleesi. I like her like mad.”

The waiter had come back with my chapman.

“Mother of dragons, right?”, I resumed after the waiter left and this boy started laughing like a mad man.

All this laughter is getting too much o. Abi is it madness?

“That’s not exactly what I mean”, he told me as I sipped.

“I mean the real deal. Wouldn’t you like to touch a dragon”

“Ehn but they are not real now. So wetin we go con do bayii?”

Abi which one is dragon talk that we have been talking since? As I continued to drink my chapman, he said he’d like to take me to the Natural History Museum in London to check out dinosaur fossils. I quickly sat up. Ehnehn. This is what he should have said since now. I am ready please. At that point, the waiter came back with my rice.

“And I just collect passport o”, I started to stew my rice. God, there is nothing like hot white rice.

“Actually, I am still in Nigeria for my research so we can’t go to London yet but we can recreate it in Nigeria”

This is what I hate. Why are we recreating when we can just go to London?

“Wouldn’t you like to know how a dragon’s fire feels on the body?”

“Ehn?”, I dropped my spoon of rice as I remembered how khaleesi dey burn people up and down.

“I hear being engulfed by fire is the closest thing to recreate being close to them. An old practice of rebirth. So we could do a bonfire, maybe?”

“Sorry oh. Is it that we will dance around the fire abi we will enter it?”

“We’ll enter”

I looked around to check maybe people can help me. I had not even started eating my rice. What is all this nonsense now? Abi which one is fire? Will I now pack my food? I think he saw my face and decided to change the topic.

“Should we talk about my research?”

“Talk about that one plis”

Because e don dey annoy me.

“I am writing a piece on the Nigerian bush baby for my research”, he said as he cut up his salmon, “Can you catch one for me?”

That’s when I carried my bag because I know if I should stay, I can bang plate on his head. He was now asking me where I was going. If you touch me, if I slap you. Do you want to kill me, Thomas? Are you stupid?

After I got home, I called my friend and she started laughing so, I blocked her and started crying to God. That’s when Thomas' text entered.

“So no?”

I blocked him too and went to find my hijab because I need serious prayer. When it is not like they swear for me, Ya Allah.