Did This Girl Just Collect My Husband?

Uhm miss? Remove your head right away.

"Fuck", I swore.

The door of the supermarket was refusing to budge even as I pushed against it with my side. I don’t understand why Ekiti people will be doing iron door for small supermarket. What are they stealing inside the supermarket?

I glanced at the food items that filled my hand, instantly regretting my decision to forgo buying a bag to save money. I drew in my breath and prepared to push again when a caramel well-toned arm shot out from the side of my face and pushed.

His fingers spread wide against the red iron door, the veins shooting out from beneath his flesh as he groaned.

What is this beauty?

The door pushed open effortlessly, undermining everything I had been doing.  For a quick second, I let myself scan the length of the well-toned arm and the hairs that rested softly against it. 

My eyes opened like a pregnant frog and I shouted in my mind, HAY GOD! This is the one I choose!

This is the kind of hand I want to carry me to my matrimonial bed. I like it. I like it very much.

I just knew my guardian angel was currently aggressively scribbling “preparing to fornicate” in my book of life but who cares? Had I not been good for close to a year?

"You can go out", the voice that belonged to the arm suggested, pulling me out of my fantasy. I stepped out of the supermarket and as soon as he came to stand in front of me and I saw hard chest, I knew it. 

By this time, my guardian angel was using red biro to write in my book of life but that’s your business oh. You see this one, I am doing it.    

"You should have gotten a bag", he offered.

I know but Sapa wan kill me.

“I live down the road and it’s a short walk so a bag isn’t really necessary”, I used my honey voice as I looked down at his ring finger. I didn’t find a ring, only a very expensive bottle of wine.

Hm. A date tonight maybe?

“Oh. I live in this vicinity too. Work brought me here”, he offered more information. “A bunch of us from work are star gazing tonight. You should come.”

I don’t know what you people are looking for in the sky sha o.

“But if you don’t want to come I completely understand”

Me I don’t want to come keh? I was definitely coming. My hesitation was because I was thinking if I should wear a push-up bra for the get together.  From Get-together to wedding, In Sha Allah.

“I’d love to be there”, I smiled my most innocent smile.

We exchanged information and turned to leave. I knew he was looking so I ensured to turn my waist extra hard so the little bumbum I have can shake. But I have my daddy’s hard bumbum. Why do I have my daddy’s yansh, for God’s sake?

---

Later that night, as I walked out of my compound, I passed by my landlord’s flat. I glanced absentmindedly inside the window and spotted a blue bracelet. I looked at my naked wrist and back at the bracelet.

And this bracelet will really fit me oh. So, I jumped inside and grabbed the bracelet but just as I was climbing out of the window, a hand grabbed my leg.

“Come here. Thief”, I heard my landlord’s voice,  “I know you are the one that is always stealing in this house!”

Mo daran.

“I use that chain to catch you”

Hay God. I should have just left this chain o!

I raised my leg and tried to jump again but this stupid man held my anklet and pulled me. My leg wanted to tear so I shouted, “Do you want to tear my virginity!”.

Yes, people lose their virginity like that. I know because my ex is a doctor.

“I know you are the one that carried the water I wanted to use to baff yesterday”

“I had interview!”, I shouted back 

I was about to continue when I heard gun cocking. Ha. Gun? Did the water pain him like this?

“Move!”, my landlord barked.

I start to move out of the house “Are you taking me to station? They will have closed oh”

My landlord didn’t answer. Instead he led me to the ladder that leaned against the side of the house. “Climb”, he barked.

Climb where? Where are we going? Am I tapping light?

He aimed the gun at my head and I started to climb. When I reached the top of the roof, he removed the ladder. I shouted “Is this were I will sleep? LANDLORD! I HAVE DATE THIS NIGHT O”

“You will stay there and think about your life! Thief!”

“IF RAIN SHOULD FALL NKO?”

Landlord carried the ladder and left. I looked out and saw my husband and a bunch of friends sitting in front of his house and staring at the sky. More annoyingly, I saw Kafayyah using her stupid hand to touch his neck.

So I shouted, “KAFAYAH YOU ARE MAD O”

But they didn’t hear me. Then, I saw Kafayah softly rest her gigantic head on that man’s shoulder.

Break his shoulder o. Useless thief.

I sat there on the roof and watched as they stole my husband. In life, sometimes you lose and it’s painful to lose but watching yourself lose in real time? Sitting in front row seats as they collect the love of your life? Brutal man.

And then rain started to fall. That’s just nasty work. Anyway, at least now I hate my landlord and he will be suffering more at my hands.

A win is a win.

Before I forget, today’s music is Nelly Furtado’s All Good Things (Come To An End).

Because my love story ended before it even started.