Don't Let Me Sleep Under Ikeja Bridge

Abeg.

To everyone here. Welcome oh. Offering basket will soon reach you. Tell your friends to subscribe too so that we can contribute and buy community Benz in December. Tenks.

Now, if you follow me on any of my socials, you already know that I don’t have plenty sense. But if you’re just joining, my name is Hauwa and as I said, sense is not very much in my head.

Today’s gist is about Titus fish but for you to understand, I have to start from the beginning. 

I have an uncle called Daddy Four (we call him ‘daddy four’ because his wife had quadruplets in 2018). Last week, we heard that Daddy Four impregnated the wife of our Garage Chairman. 

Why did he do it?

 So naturally, the Chairman wants to burn our family house to the ground.

But if he burns it, where will we pack to? Ikeja Underbridge? NYSC Camp? Redeem Camp? We are not even Christians but we don’t have shame so we will probably go there.

And what will I inherit when Grandpa finally dies? The people that call me ‘Baby Landlord’  will now start calling me what?Baby Redeem Camp?

This is especially annoying for me because two of Daddy Four’s children already share my room. If the Chairman’s wife should born four more children and they put them in my room. we will now be 7 in the room. 

Is it Prison?

So, the family organised a trip to our Chairman’s house to beg him. We all wore matchy-matchy Ankara like people that don’t have sense and carried drummers there, hoping to make his head swell so that he’d change his mind about pouring petrol on our property.

We had not even entered his street when Chairman started shooting from the junction.

If you see how Grandpa picked race. Grandma fell down but he didn’t even look back. He entered the danfo and left all of us. This is the man they said I should put on my own family tree? Rubbish.

Chairman’s bullet almost touched Daddy Four before he jumped inside canal. As for me, I pretended to be dead on the floor. NatGeoWild style.

My stupid ass holding my breath.

I had not used two minutes on the floor when someone came to use NYSC belt to wipe my head. I shed hot tears on the okada home. So overall, the outing did not go well + we were still owing the drummers + our building was still at risk.

Four days later, we found out that the Chairman liked to eat fish. The next best idea was to buy him a basket of Titus as a peace offering, so we went back.

Grandpa: Hauwa, bring out Chairman’s fish.

Me: Ah! I used it to eat yam this morning so that I will have power to run today o.

Naturally, Chairman started cocking his gun again. As soon as we heard that one, Daddy Four flew out of the window. For some seconds, I was just there thinking about why anyone would even let Daddy Four sleep with them.

I wanted to lie down on the floor again but threatened to knack rake on my head. So, I carried my bag and left.

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Now, we are at home doing family meeting but I’m listening from outside the window because Grandpa has refused to let me in. Why will you be hoarding house that they will soon burn?

To summarise sha, I am writing today’s newsletter to ask if anybody has space where I can sleep this night.

Somebody save me.