Food, Fuck Or Future partner

A lit party, great food, wicked fun, someone that’ll collect my number and be giving me TATATA this night.

We all know every lit Lagos wedding promises four F’s: Fun, Food, Fuck and Future partner. If you’re lucky, you could get all four (or on all fours *cough*) by the end of the night. And if you’re not lucky at all, you’re bound to get at least one. 

So when I got invited for this wedding, I assumed I was going to get all four. A lit party, great food, wicked fun, someone that’ll collect my number and be giving me TATATA a week later, and eventually a ring.

But that was not the case because my tailor first spoil my aso-ebi. 

One side of the yansh was big like I had elephantiasis in my left buttcheek. The shoulder pad was strong like cement. The cloth did not now reach ground again. Who will toast me with this stupid uniform she sew for me?

Look, if you tell Lagos tailors to choose between satisfying you on the first try and going to jail, this is where they will resume.

Anyway, back to my story. I carried my cloth & cutlass to her shop and told her that if she didn’t fix it, all of us will reach police station this night. 

The dress was fixed at last and that saturday, I left my house looking like a spec. 

See me nauuuuu

Halfway into the journey, everything was going smoothly until our BRT broke down in Ketu and they told us to push it. I wanted to cry because why is it when I am ready to find a life partner that God will do this kind of thing to me? Why?

I was pushing when one Oga (wearing the same colour as my dress) told me my cloth was fine and asked if we were going to the same wedding.

Me: Where is your wedding?

Him: Mowe.

Me: Mowe?

Him: Ehn. Give me your number.

I left the bus for him because he is mad.

When I eventually got to the wedding, everybody was already boo-ed up and nobody remained for me, so I went to look for food. That’s when the female server told me it had finished because I came late. See how I dressed up for this wedding and they said they won’t give me food?

Anyway,

I know you’ll say “Hauwa, but you could have had fun on the dance floor now?”

Please tell me the energy I will use to dance when I just finished pushing BRT bus from Ketu. Which energy, Tolu?? Answer me naw.

And as for the Foki Foki part, no boy toasted me. It was like Ikorodu BRT was smelling on my body. Besides, I can’t even do any Foki Foki with anybody because any meat I see to hold now, I can bite it. Nobody should disturb my life.

My anger had reached the peak when one fine bobo came to sit beside me. He smiled at me and I quickly smiled back. That’s when I saw the plate of fried meat in his hand. Where did this one see meat? Shebi they said food has finished? Did that stupid server lie to me? 

Fine bobo’s phone soon started ringing and he excused himself, leaving his meat of course. 

Now, this was the moment of truth. Should I pack his meat and lie that an usher took it while he was away OR leave it and strike up a conversation that will hopefully lead to marriage?

Food or Future partner?

If you think I chose man, then you obviously don’t know me. 

I quickly ate one meat and poured the remaining inside my clutch. When he came back, he was looking up and down like lizard. Me, I was tapping my bag and whispering, “Don’t worry, my loves. It is me and you people and garri this night.”

Eventually, Fine bobo asked me if I had seen his meat and I shook my head. Me? Meat? I didn't see anything o. He asked me why my hand was shining and I said it was vaseline. I even use it to rub my shoulder so he will see that I wasn’t lying. It was kuku off-shoulder I wore. Let my shoulder be shining.

At that moment, the DJ started to play WOLOLOLO BUGA WON so I jumped to the dance floor. While I was dancing, he came to spray the couple. 

As I was going LOW LOW LOW LOW, I was packing his mint notes. I pack like 8k.

When we finished the party, Fine Boy came out and entered his Benz. I even said I should go and join him so he can drop me at the junction. The idiot zoom off ni sha.

I jejely went to enter BRT.

Inside the bus, I started eating my meat. As I looked out of the window, guess who I saw in his Benz looking at me? Fine Boy.

It was like he wanted to kill me with his eyes. I said, “because of small meat?”

I removed moimoi from my bag and raised it up to the  window so he will see that it was not only his food I packed. He just continued to strong his face. So I brought out his mint notes and started spraying myself as they were playing Ade Ori Okin in the BRT.

He zoomed off. I don’t know where he is rushing to in the night. Nonsense. 

When I got home, I used the meat to soak garri and I on our fan to blow peace of mind into my life. Till next week, guys.

Your babe,

Hauwa.

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