Hire Me And Succeed. 🙏🏾

Abeg, I don dey too owe.

One thing about me? I believe in myself. 

My mantra is ‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’.  So, I take ALL the shots. I still miss all of them but that one is not your business.

This mantra was ringing in my head as I was watching one oyinbo film. In the movie, a private investigator (wearing a badass outfit), was hired by the president to do a job. So naturally, I decided to become a private investigator.

How I’ll soon be stunting on my enemies.

The movie hardly finished before I ran to collect okirika raincoat and boot on credit. After that, I went to my boyfriend’s printing shop to tell him to do banner for me.

HIRE HAUWA FOR ALL YOUR INVESTIGATIVE NEEDS!

After that, I sat down because I don make am. Soon, I will be balling.

Two minutes later, my neighbour, Aunty Aghata, came with a job. Aunty Agatha sells akara outside our house and her boyfriend, Boda Sule, was always there. Any small thing, he has brought Chicken Republic to her meanwhile, my own boyfriend will just be shouting, “Hauwa, bring semo to my house!”

I hate that boy. 😒

But anyway, I assumed things were fine between them but apparently, nothing was fine because Aunty Agatha said he hadn’t come around in days.

So I told her I’d help her for Akara. You see I don’t have sense? After that, I quickly went to wear my big coat and boot. Ise bere

Then, I went to grind pepper (no money for pepper spray) and borrowed car jack, in case I caught Boda Sule doing something bad.

On Saturday night, it happened. He brought another woman home. I pressed my face against his window and started shouting ‘Hay! Come out o! Boda Olosho! Come out!’.

When he opened the door, I first poured my pepper on him. Then, I carried all those big aluminum trays they use to pick beans and banged it on that his big empty head. I now used all my power to throw the car jack at him.

Then, I ran away because no be me dem go beat. Lmaoo. When I told Aunty Agatha everything, she burst into tears.

Aunty Aghata: (crying) God, I loved him with everything.

Me: Men are scum o.

A.A: And do you know I didn’t want to date him because he is a cultist.

Me: Mhm?

A.A: The number of people he has killed is more than the people living in this our compound

Me: We are like 100 in this compound o

A.A: We didn’t reach 250?

Me: Ya Rahmon

A.A: Walai, if he is angry like this, he can use trailer to march someone and throw the person in water. (chuckles) He did it to my ex.

Me: Your ex annoy him?

AA: Not really. He just didn’t like the way my ex looked at me so he threw him from 3rd Mainland.

Me:

Me: Only look that your ex look?

AA: (nods) But thank you. Your reward is in heaven.

Me: Which heaven?

As I was crying on the ground, Aunty Agatha just went inside. She didn’t even say she should give me small akara to cool myself. I thought she was coming back but when I didn’t hear footsteps, I stood up because wetin I go do bayii? I don beat cultist.

I decided to enter night bus to Akure so I started packing. When it was 12am, I decided to relax and sleep small. 

A few minutes later, I felt small cold on my bumbum

I said, “Kabiru stop it, you don’t know more than to be doing nonsense”. I felt another cold on my bumbum again so I turned and said, “Okay, one round”.

I just saw cutlass. Bro Sule was looking at me with one eye. The other eye was bandaged.

Bro Sule: Do you know why my eye is covered?

Me: You want to blow like Ruger.

Bro Sule: You’re very mad. You can pour pepper in my eye, abi?

Me: I am twins

Bro Sule: Ehn?

Me: I am twins. It’s my twin that came to your house.

Bro Sule: March! 

Me: Where are we marching to?

Bro Sule: You are asking me question?

Me: No sah

He tied me to our tree and used generator rope to flog me. You know when they are beating you on a Monday morning that you’re supposed to be at work, you can still chest it because what’s the difference between chopping cane and working in a Nigerian office?

But when they are beating you on Sunday that you’re supposed to be relaxing and eating Akara, it can pain someone.

When he finished beating me, he untied me. After that, me & my swollen bumbum (I have to admit, it feels nice to have big bumbum) crawled to my room to sleep.

When I came out around 5 to collect akara, I saw Aunty Agatha on Boda Sule’s lap, wearing the coat and boot I collected on credit. As I saw gun beside them, nobody told me to go and buy akara in another shop.

When I was coming home, guess who cornered me? Boda Sule’s side chick. That one too beat me. 

Let me just say, if like two of you want to beat somebody, just choose date and beat the person together, abeg. Make someone no dey collect beating two times. It’s very unfair and it is affecting my mental health.

Now, no akara. No money. No cloth. Only headache and body pain.

If you’re sha looking for someone to do PI work for you, call my number because I will sha pay for my okirika cloth?

Your babe,

Hauwa.

Translations

Oyinbo - White man

Okirika - Thrift

Akara - Bean cake

Ise bere - Work has started

Boda Olosho - Prostitute man