I Slow-Danced With A Stranger

And his penis was doing things that confused me.

Men scam me on a daily but do I learn my lesson? Noooo.

I will test the waters, almost drown, tell myself ‘never again’ and two minutes later, I am diving back in.

For the sake of this story, I have to mention that I believe I don’t get approached by a lot of men because I wear a scarf. I think the scarf gives off the vibe that I am religious hence, the scepticism to speak to me. 

Now, I am not sure if this is the reality for other muslim women. Do you guys get hit on a lot or do men typically shy away from talking to you because they are scared?

Comment below.

Anyway, this was my reality until much recently when these men began to grow wings. WINGS I TELL YOU.

I was at Z!Fest with a friend, having the time of my life when Dwin The Stoic came on stage. Now, everybody that knows me knows I love his music. As I was vibing to it, a guy with big mouth appeared by my side and leaned in to talk to me. I was like, who be this one?

He asked if we could dance to the song. LOL. Me? Dance? And not just dance, he wanted us to slow dance. SLOW DANCE? You don’t see that I am an Alhaja? Are you not afraid?  Astagfirllah. *pulls tesbiu frantically*

He went on to say he likes Dwin and would like to dance with me. All this time, I never said ‘no’, so he just stayed by my side, waiting for my decision.

It is at this point that I will refer you back to the first paragraph of this newsletter. The one that expressly states that when it comes to anything concerning man, best believe I don’t have sense.

So, I said yes.

At this point, my guardian angel turned in her resignation letter and switched off the light to sleep because she cannot be wasting her career, guarding someone wey clearly no get sense wey she dey use tink. 

So, back to my story, we get on the dance floor and this man pulled me in. I thought it was a little much but okay, let’s sha dance.

People of Almighty God. 

Two seconds had not passed and I was already feeling something in his north pole. And look, I do not use the term pole carelessly. As Dwin was singing, this man said let me lead. LET YOU LEAD ME TO WHERE? HELL?? MATERNITY WARD? WHERE EXACTLY?

I convinced myself that it could be the bundle of 1000 notes he kept in his pocket, but tell me why 1000 notes are moving. Are they doing their own party in his pocket??? WHY IS CBN’S CURRENCY DANCING TOO???

Before I said anything, this man pushed me out and then pulled me back in with a force. I said ehnehn, Hauwa, you have attracted a mad man.

Out of all the 300+ people at this event, you’ve somehow managed to bag a mad man. God, why am I a magnet for the foolish ones you create. Why do they like me? 

In the middle of my conversation with God, he leaned down and said “Turn Around”

I shouted, HEIS! MR. OLOPA aka KONJIVITIES. IS ENUF. 

He said what and then, tried to pull me in again.

I SAY STOP. ARE YOU MAD? DID THEY SWEAR FOR YOU?

He laughed and said maybe you should have some more drink.

First of all, I don’t drink so, I am not having more. Secondly, I should drink more so that you can do what? If you don’t shift away from my periphery. 

I released myself and went back to my friend. I don’t even know what is wrong with me. Is this what I am supposed to be doing with my life? A whole Alhaja like me? I am doing slow dance with someone I don’t know like I’m inside Hollywood movie. Astagfirllah.

Should I even be dancing? Seeing as I am still broke? Should I not be crying to God in a mosque. It is clear I am unserious with my life.

Before I settled back into my seat, this man started dancing shaku shaku to the slow song that we were just swaying to. When he started mixing shaku shaku with break dance, I finally understood. My village people sent this one.

Village People: 1

Me: 0

In conclusion, Lagos men are mad but we go again tomorrow. Old Soldier Never Die. ✌🏽