I Used My SugarDaddy As Scapegoat.

What woke me up was the TWAI they gave me on my head.

One thing that I hate about life is that nobody is willing to be your first customer. They’d rather wait for you to blow before they acknowledge your skills.

The time I opened barber shop in our area, I didn’t get even one customer. Yes, I mistakenly use clipper to open someone’s head but don’t we all make mistakes?

Anyway, with all the nonsense that is happening in my life, I decided to go to my village to relax with my uncle. After about a week, I told him about a new farm business that I wanted to start. At least, nobody knows me here and they will patronise me.

He offered to take me to the village chiefs to inform them of my new business because apparently, nobody can start a new venture in the village without their blessings.

At the place, the chiefs and elders congratulated me and gave me small palmwine to drink. When I finished it, I pulled the big pot of pammy and poured more for myself.

My uncle:

When I finished that one and wanted to pour another pammy, he snatched the calabsh from my hand. Apparently, as a woman, you’re only supposed to drink what the elders give you.

My uncle: Why are you drinking like a camel?

Me: Uncle, they said I should feel at home now (reaches for the pot)

Uncle: If you touch that pot again, I will shoot you.

Me:

As my uncle was giving me warning, I noticed that one of the chiefs, Chief Aregbe, was smiling at me. I smiled back and waved. My uncle slapped my head.

Chief Aregbe: Ahnahn! Let her drink more now.

Me: (goes on my knees and blushes) God bless you sir. You will live long for us.

Chief Aregebe: I will live long for you. Hehehe.

Me: (blushes even harder)

While my uncle was fuming, Chief Aregbe passed his own palmwine to me and I drank everything. 

When we got home, if you see the kind of insult my uncle gave me. After abusing me properly, he called my father to tell him that he is sending me back to Lagos. My father cut the call. LMAO. After a few minutes, I went to apologise to uncle.

The next day, I decided to be serious with my life and start my farm work but Chief Aregbe cornered me on the way and told me to take him to my farm. At the farm, he brought out the cooler of food his wife made for us. 

I know you are about to judge me for eating another woman’s food but let me not lie, I was hungry and that woman can cook. When we finished the porridge, I drank palmwine and entered the bush.

I DIDN’T ASK THIS FOOLISH CHIEF TO ENTER INSIDE BUSH WITH ME O.

But I think he thought we wanted to do love in the forest so he jumped inside the bush with me. That’s when the idea came inside my head.

Chief: (Following me) You know this is how me and my wife made our first son?

Me: Ehnehn?

Chief: Ehn! Let me show you what a man is. (tries to hold me)

Me: Wait fest!

Chief: Okay.

Me: (Points to the left side of the farm) Help me check if the plantains there are ripe

Chief: Which plantain? Didn’t you just start farming?

Me: Do you want to sleep with me or not?

Chief: Okay Okay.

So that’s how he went to the left side of the farm o. Two minutes later, Chief is shouting my name like I’m the one that is following him spiritually. 

Chief: HAUWA! HAUWA!

Me: What happen???

Chief: There is a trap in this place

Me: I know. I put it there to catch animals.

Chief: Okay, come and remove me

Me: That one will be hard o. Because I really want to test the trap.

Chief: You say?

Me: That’s where you will sleep today. Me I am going home. (Packs food)

Chief: HAUWA! DON’T PLAY WITH ME.

Me: You people should be helping someone test equipment. It is sha someone that will test it for me before I start work proper.

Chief: Ehn?

Me: If I come back tomorrow and you are still here, I will know the trap is working. Don’t die o.

Chief: HAUWA! COME BACK TO THIS PLACE!

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The next day, I had not even woken up properly when they came to drag me to the elders’ office. When I saw Chief Aregbe with the trap on his leg, I gave him thumbs up because it meant my equipment was working like mad.

The pushed me to my knees, which was good because I was sleepy and tired of standing but what woke me up was the TWAI they gave me on my head. They used cane to flog me anyhow. God. I suffered. When they finished beating me, they left me at the park.

And now, I’m back in this foolish Lagos. No free food anywhere. All the married men that are toasting me are broke. I hate this Lagos. 😡