If I'm Not Disgraced, I Won't Rest.

Clearly, I like embarrassment.

This is me, as usual.

Now, you may be thinking ‘Hmmn. this babe might not be a fool in real life’ but I’m here to convince you and not confuse you that I am indeed very foolish.

It all started when a girl on TikTok said anytime she wants to eat, she chooses an expensive restaurant and manifests that she won’t be paying for her food. Instead, a man at the restaurant will pay. And it works.

So because I don’t have sense, I got to work, searching for expensive restaurants in Lagos. 

I found one in Ikeja, next to a private airfield. No way I will not jam billionaire there. Before I left the house, I shouted to myself in the mirror. Hauwa! You are not paying for anything!

When I got to there, looked out and saw planes coming to park, I already knew my enemies are in trouble.

Guys, bitches dey this world mehhnn. I am so certain the people coming down from the planes were the ones that got this kind of photoshoot as kids.

This is the one my grandma did for me before she died. My mum said they did it so I can grow into a wealthy woman in future. 

But till now. No money.

Anyway back to my story, I ordered chips and chicken wings to step down because my pilot baby is coming to pay. ☺️

When I finished that one, I ordered steak and rice. As I was finishing it, my future husband entered the room. Guys, this man was my complete spec. Tall, dark, huge, handsome.

He ordered a drink, I ordered my own. He ordered food, I ordered another plate. I raised my glass to him. He raised his own and winked. I stared out of the window and pointed to one plane, he nodded that it was his.

Okay everybody freeze. I say freeze! My baby owns a plane! GOD ABEG!! I don’t want to be a mechanic, I want to be a baller.

He stood to walk to me when another man came into the restaurant and marched to his front. Who be dis abeg. Get out of my sight.

Next thing, the man said, “We’re flying out”. I shifted to hear properly. Where are we going please? Is he going to start the plane?

“You need to carry our bags”, the man said again.

Wait fest. I’m confused.

Why is my baby the one that is carrying their bag? I sucked small juice to cool my head.

The man said “Go get the bags and I will settle this bill”. The thing that came out of my baby’s mouth was “Yes sir”.

Who are you calling sir?? Are you not the sir? After that, he said,  “Thank you for all de tins wey you dey do for us.”. The man replied with “No need. Oh and congratulations on the twins”.

TWINS?????

I raised my hand up to flag down the man because who will pay for all these things I have eaten down? Help me please.

But the hand I raised caught the waitress’ attention and she came with bill. I looked at her and said “BESTIE” with huge smile on my face so I can explain that it is manifestation I swallowed and used to come here.

Omo. She chook the bill inside my hand.

When I looked up, the man had gone. Hay God.

As you already know, I didn’t have money to pay but I just want to say, I wished they had carried me to wash plate in the kitchen because this plane they asked me to be washing is too big for a small girl like me. 😭

I didn’t know plane tyre was big like this. It’s like molue. 😭

After that, they asked me to suck fuel from the plane. So last last, I’m a mechanic.

I want to end this letter with a question for my grandma.

What exactly is the point of the agbo you soaked me in if it’s plane tyre I came to wash in this life? But I won’t give you the satisfaction of dying so I can come and do vox pop with you in heaven. God forbid. Let me go and collect more omo.