I'm In A Trenches Hotel And I Think I Almost Appeared In Porn

Imagine me looking clueless in porn.

Personally, I don’t like hotels. I think they are nasty. The minute I step into a hotel room, I start to picture all the nasty stuff that went down the night before.

As a result, I hate staying in them.  However, please note that I don’t detest all hotels. I just dislike the ones I can afford i.e Trenches Hotels, as seen below.

As soon as we drove into the compound and I started seeing teenagers with their arms around their girlfriends, wearing trousers falling below their butts and huge red winter jackets in this sweltering heat, I knew we had arrived at the headquarters of the trenches.

Tell me why their fountain is not working?

I walked in and someone blew trumpet in my face while another guy held a camera and balloons up to my wildly lost but happy face. Who dey do birthday for me? Is it one of my fans? Aww? I was already following them to a big cake when the hotel manager came to tell them I was not Sura’s babe.

To be honest, it was dissappointing because I would have collected cake before anybody knew what was happening. I was also partly confused because do I look like a yahoo girlfriend? Why did he see me and think I was Sura’s babe?

And who is Sura and why is he not around to identify his babe?

I asked for my key and entered my room.

Peep the red winter jacket.

I like to air out my space so I immediately opened my window and I leaned against it to find them bringing more balloons in. I let the air hit my face like in all those romantic movies where the main character gets heartbroken but one day decides to take back her life. Until I felt something sticky on my fingers. I looked down and saw a used condom.

God abeg.

I rushed to wash my hands and immediately went to talk to the manager who told me to “throw it away nau”.

You dey crase? What do you mean throw it away with my hand? The cleaner joined our conversation to tell me that if I was working here, would I not throw it away with my hand?

That’s when I knew these people were mad. And it’s not your fault, it is the person that decided to marry before my blow. If I had blown, will you be seeing me in this your rubbish hotel?

On my way back to my room, I heard a woman moaning in the opposite room. As well as the sounds of a football match. Who has sex to the sound of Man-U and Astonvilla playing? Is the man multitasking? And why is the babe shouting “Sura, on jo mi o” (Sura, it’s burning o)? Why is Sura there? And not outside to receive his babe? Why is it burning???? Does she have STD?? And why is he continuing if it is burning?

Suddenly, I heard someone shout goal.

Why exactly is Sura comfortable enough to be shouting goal on top of babe? Is another person there? Are they shooting porn?

Oh God.

Oh wait.

Will I show in the cameo of the porn? Is that why someone was holding a camera when I came in?

I ran inside my room to think of the story I’ll stick with once someone sees my black face on XVideos and goes on twitter to write “Your faves are now in porn o. Lmaooo”

God, I hate Twitter.

As I was deciding what to do, my mother called me, screaming on the phone about something around goats. I asked her to calm down and explain properly. The next thing I heard was “Goats have eaten our bridal yams Hauwa! Come!”

WAIT.

ONE MINUTE.

GOATS DID WHAT?

Turns out, goats ate the bridal yams we left at my mum’s cousin’s house because her kids left the door open. One of the goats even spent the night.

So, out of the 42 yams we were asked to bring, goats had eaten 11.

I told my mother we would paint the damaged part brown and nobody will know until after the engagement but she cut the call. My uncle from Sango who is in the hotel with us quickly ran to me to say he will collect the yams if my mummy does not want again and I shut the door in his face.

Today is not the day.

He kept knocking while telling me how rude I was. I retorted that if he continues I will shout that he is trying to open the door to see me naked.

He left and I went into the bathroom. Tell me why condom was hanging on top of the shower head?

What kind of sex are these people having? And why is it not god-fearing sex FGS?

My mum called again and I had to start leaving the hotel but as I was walking out, guess who was coming in? Sura’s babe!  Her friends gathered around her to hug her and I was just wondering which one of them was fucking Sura on Sura’s babe’s birthday.

Hmmn. I’ll find out and tell you people.

I have a few more days in this hotel.

Stay tuned.