In Anikulapo, I Would Have Asked Kabiyesi If He Has Mouth Odor.

And they will cut my head.

I saw Anikulapo.

With another person’s netflix account because I don’t have money to give Netflix people.

And even though a lot of people think there was no story there, I disagree. The plot was just such a simple one in a world of overly complicated plots - A tale of a man who let his greed get the better of him.

In the story, a couple arrived in a village that seemed like any other one but after they settled in, they noticed something peculiar. Nobody other than the king’s immediate family members had ever heard his voice. He never spoke in public. He only communicated by whispering to his right hand man, who delivered the message out loud.

I don’t know why their own is like that but if I was in that village at that time, it won’t take long before they cut my head. Because as soon as I reach that village and they ask me to come and greet the king.

Me: Kaaaaabiyeeesiiiii ooooo (as I throw myself on the ground).

Kabiyesi: (Whispers to his right hand man)

Right hand man: You can get up.

Me: Kabiyesi cannot talk by himself? His mouth is smelling?

And that would’ve been it. They will just cut my head then and there.

But if they choose to forgive me. I’ll immediately go home and devise a plan because why is the king refusing to talk?

First, I’ll kidnap that foolish right hand man and sell him to white people so they will take him to London. He can go and be talking for them at BBC. Alaseju oshi.

And that’s how I will become the first kidnapper in Nigeria. And they’ll be teaching me in SS3 history. Me too go be national hero. Iku pa ee. 

Anyway, back to our village. With the right hand man gone, the king will hold competition to choose a replacement. The night before the competition, I’ll put sleeping powder inside the water pot of all the other competitors so they can sleep through the competition.

On the day of the competition, like 70 mad people will be running around the village. That’s when I will check my wrapper and see that the sleeping powder is still there, it’s madness powder I put inside water for them.

But nobody will be able to do anything because there’s no psychiatric hospital in Oyo, so mad people will just be displaying mad behaviour everywhere. 

Now, as everyone has their hands full, competition will not hold again and they will just crown me as the next right hand woman of the king. 

It can only be God. 🙏🏾

Day 1 of my new job.

King: (minding his business)

Me: 

King: (stares at me in annoyance)

Me: I just want to greet you. Will you eat?

King: (shakes his head)

Me: 

Royal Guard: (announcing) OLOYE IS HERE

I’ll immediately stand up because Kabiyesi has to talk through me. When the Oloye comes in and I see it’s that useless Oloye Otun that does not know how to sit down in his own house.

Oloye Otun: Kabiyesiiiii oooooo

Me: (eyes him) Is okay! A ti gbo! Your own is too much Oloye Otun!

Kabiyesi: (glares at me)

Me: Sorry sir. But see how he is lying down with all his chest. If we ask what he came for now, it is your shoe he came to take. He can never see that you wear something, he will want to collect it.

Kabiyesi: (glares harder at me)

Me: Sorry Iku Baba Yiye.

Oloye Otun: You are mad! Kabiyesi! Are you seeing her??

Me: Don’t sha bite me.

Oloye Otun: Kabiyesi, Oluwa mi o. May you live long for us. I can see that the agbado on the royal farm has started coming out very well so I said I should come and ask my Lord for one basket.

Me: I SAID IT! I TALK AM! WE 👏🏽 DON’T 👏🏽 HAVE 👏🏽 AGBADO 👏🏽 TO 👏🏽 GIVE YOU.

Oloye Otun: Me???

Me: How much is agbado that you want to be begging? Has Kabiyesi eaten inside it? And you can see that he is thin like someone that has HIV.

Kabiyesi: (glares)

Me: Sorry sir. Slip of tongue.

Oloye Otun: That’s all I came to say.

Me: Oloye Otun. Permit me to say something o.

Oloye Otun: Yes?

Me: Out of all the Oloyes, your house is the farthest from civilization because you don’t like to spend money. So it is near evil forest you went to build your own house.

Oloye Otun: (confused)

Me: Soooo you left that your far house and first went to check Kabiyesi’s farm to look for agbado. You look very well to see that it is big. You now started coming here to beg. If we say you can be carrying it, you will go back to royal farm to cut before you start walking to your evil forest mansion. Do you want to die? Are you not 87 years old?

Oloye Otun: Emiii????

Me: Which teeth do you want to use to bite the agbado? Show me. Say EEEEE

Kabiyesi: (bangs his cane)

Me: Sorry sir. Igbakeji Orisha.

Kabiyesi: (motions closer to me)

Me: (gladly bends to hear him)

Kabiyesi: (whispers)

Me: (runs back) YEH!

Kabiyesi & Oloye Otun: (shocked)

Kabiyesi: (motions for me to come closer)

Me: No o. Ah. You will be talking from far o, Ayeluwa.

Oloye Otun: Move closer so you can hear him.

Me: So I will die young?

Oloye Otun: Are you disobeying Kabiyesi?

Me: You too come and smell it yourself.

Kabiyesi: (Glares)

Me: If you like, open your eye from now till next year, I am not coming. You will be talking from far.

Oloye Otun: How will he whisper from far?

Me: That’s what me I don’t know.

At that time, I will look outside and see that the sun is setting so I will carry my bag because it’s 9-5 contract I signed.

Oloye Otun: To where?

Me: House. When this is not where I will sleep.

Kabiyesi: GUARDS!

Everybody will now be shocked that Kabiyesi can talk but that’s when Oloye Otun will smell it too. 

Kabiyesi: Oloye Otun, come here.

Oloye Otun: Kabiyesi, don’t let me come. 

At that point, the guards will rush in and Kabiyesi will tell them to banish me. As they are chasing me out of the village, I will sight Kabiyesi’s original right hand man hiding somewhere. That’s when I will realise that werey didn’t go to London ni sha. He was waiting for someone to take his job because mouth odour wan kill am.

Before they chase me out, the village chief priest will come and announce that oracle has revealed that I was the one that made everybody run mad and Oloye Otun will immediately pounce on me because his son was among the mad people.

Wahala.

Now everybody is now annoyed and calling for Kabiyesi to increase my punishment because banishment is not enough.

Kabiyesi, being the malevolent person he is, will now turn to me.

Kabiyesi: Do you regret what you’ve done?

Me: I SAY BE TALKING TO ME FROM FAR!

When maishai people start using stone to sharpen sword that they will use to cut my head in my front.