In Everything You Do, Avoid Kwara Boys

If I had sense, I would’ve known that someone that’s borrowing money from me to buy SuperYogo could never be related to royalty. But you see, I have a condition. It's called senselessness.

Today, it rained. 

And it took me back to my NYSC days. They say everyone finds love during their service year but me, I found premium suffering.

Why? Oh, because I don’t know how to mind my business in this life.

My story starts with our weekly group meetings. At the end of each meeting, I noticed a tall dark chocolate man would stay back to help clear up.

A helpful thoughtful king! I am ready, God! I’m ready to marry.

So before our next meeting, I starched my khaki. 

The khaki was harder than Buhari’s mind. Then, I used Phillips iron to draw gators on it. Abacha’s tribal marks had nothing on those lines on my khaki.

Even Yakubu Gowon - the person that introduced NYSC - would’ve been so proud of me that day. God will still punish that man in his grave for starting that useless scheme.

Anyway, after that day’s meeting, I stayed behind to help him clear up and we started a conversation. I found out his name was Malik Ibrahim. The way that name rolled off my tongue, I was sure I would soon be Mrs. Hauwa Ibrahim. HAY! SEXY!

A while later, it started to rain and we bonded over our love for rain. He even joked about getting married on the beach in the rain. 

GUYS! IT WAS OVER! I WAS IN LOVE!

Me, making my wedding announcement to all of you.

Quick break - They said Yakubu has not died yet. Anyway, his punishment is waiting for him. And if he likes, he should not die. 

So back to my story.

It became routine for Malik and I to stay back after meetings. One day, he told me his family was related to the royal family in his town and asked if I’d like to meet his father and the king.

Let me tell you, I first went to throw my letter of resignation at my LI (Local Government Inspector). Then, I went to rent burgundy aso-oke in case he proposes. 

If I had sense, I would’ve known that someone that’s borrowing money from me to buy SuperYogo could never be related to royalty. But you see, I have a condition. It's called senselessness.

Let me drink small Ribena before I continue

Anyway, when we got to the town. Malik took me to see the King (my father-in-law by association). I knelt down and he asked me to come and eat goat meat. As I was about to put my hand inside to carry one meat, one Chief slapped my hand away.

Na wa o. Someone cannot eat again.

The King told Malik to take me home and talk to me. As we were approaching one hut, I was slowing down. 

Baby, wetin be dat? Where is your royal mansion?

Malik laughed and said he will explain everything inside. When we entered, I didn’t see TV. No chair, no table, no AC. Only mat.

She na eye dey pain me abi wetin be dis?

Eventually, Malik explained to me that their family’s destiny is to live a life directly opposite to how the king lives. I said okay, so we will build house opposite the palace?

He had the audacity to open that his stupid mouth to say; No, the wealthier a king is, the poorer they must become. 

I said hain?

Me: So you must do the exact opposite of everything the king does?

Him: Yes, only one thing is different.

Me: Ah thank God. What?

Him: When he dies, the wife of the first child in our family must die.

Me: (looking around) So where is your elder brother?

Him: I am the first child.

I no understand

He now brought out ring and knelt down. 

I shouted, “I put it to you that you are mad! And you have mind to be toasting me? Are you not wicked?”

I was shouting when one of the royal guards entered. I first ran away. It was when they told me the king was alive that I came out. The guard told us that the king has done something no king is allowed to do. He had masturbated.

And so? What is now our own business there? Is it not his hand? Why will someone even finish eating goatmeat and the next thing is to go inside and masturbate? Hope you people are checking your King? He can have spiritual problem o.

Before I had finished talking, Malik had started offing his shirt.

Hello? What is happening please?

Malik said we had to collect cane on his behalf. When I saw koboko, I start to dey explain.

Good afternoon sir. I don’t know them Malik before sir. I just came here for excursion. I’m not his wife. Please, come and open the gate for me.

They had to tie me to Mango tree before I started chopping my own cane.

When I came back, I first went to return the burgundy aso-oke. Then, I went to buy knee guard because I knew I would kneel down to beg my LI for like 2 days.

After that, I went to buy Aboniki for my body.

Whatever you do, please avoid Kwara Boys. They will ruin your life.

Till I write to you again,

You people’s Queen and More.

Hauwa Iyawo Kabs.