In Everything You Do, Avoid Short Fine Men

They will wicked you.

Every Monday, two things are true about me.

1.  I have a virtual 10 am meeting that could last between 1 to 4 hours, depending on our script for the day. 

2. I always wake up late.

The meeting usually requires me to be settled so, the night before, I decided to work out of my favourite cafe. However, as per my brand, I was up late again. 

I jumped out of bed and was running out when my neighbour saw me and offered to drop me off at the cafe. We got there and those ones told me they don’t open on Mondays until 4pm. Who even does that??

Anyway, I rushed to a nearby restaurant and got there just in time for my meeting.

A waitress came to my table and I asked if I could work there. She said yes as long as I ordered something. She showed me the menu and omo! When I saw how much they are selling breakfast, I closed it back because how much is Mai Shai bread and egg at my junction?

If I give this man 1k, I know how much I will collect.

I was still asking the girl how much it will be if I buy my own bread from outside when a man walked in. 

Goddd!!! You people! My head first scattered.

He was wearing a suit that I am going to attempt to describe.

You know outfits that have weirdly unique colours? Colours that regular (read as poor) people can’t find in the market? Colours your eyes can’t really place. It is green but not really green because each time you blink, the colour confuses you. Colours that seemed like they were created for a particular skin tone. That smell like old money. Colours they don’t sell in Yaba.

And the suit! Good Lord. As soon as I saw the suit, I immediately understood what it means for an outfit to be tailored. You know how Iron Man would step into his suit and it would fit itself perfectly to his body? That was how this suit looked on this man. Every crevice was appropriately catered to.

And the way he carried it was another matter entirely. It was almost regal.

He was dark skinned with a beard. And he was short. I don’t even like short men but it was like this one just came to shatter my standards.

He undid a button, effortlessly and sat. A waiter came to take his order. He ordered the breakfast. The same breakfast I was doing calculus for, is what one short man just came to order like that. God abeg.

“Ma, sorry you can’t remove the bread. It is a package”, the waitress was still in front of me.

I frowned. Must you be shouting in front of my future husband? Because of small bread I want to buy outside, you’re broadcasting. Nonsense. Just bring the breakfast. 

Now, I have this stupid habit of wearing a ring on my ring finger when I know very well that I don’t have boyfriend not to talk of husband. I first flung that one away from my hand. I also realised that I had loosened my jeans button for food to see space to enter, so I quickly did that one back.

My neighbour’s call entered and I ended it. I don’t need any distraction from my husband. 

In the middle of his meal, he looked up and our eyes met. I looked away shyly so, I don’t know how he reacted but I was sure he was going to come and talk to me.

Guys, when he was done eating. HE STOOD UPPPPP

To pay and leave.

He left me there. Walai, I was just looking like mumu. With sausage in my mouth. 

The thing about this restaurant is, it has a clear ceiling to floor window, so you can watch the love of your life walk away in HD.

I saw him enter his Ranger Rover and drive off. He didn’t even ask me to come and sit down so he can drop me at home. Men are wicked. What is he doing with all the space inside that car? How much space can his short body take? Look, avoid fine short men with big head. They are wicked spawns of satan. 

When he zoomed off. I used anger to undo my button. It is not me that will die. I let my belle breathe.

In the middle of my anger, couples started entering. This is what I hate about Nigeria. You people don’t have anything better to do on a Monday morning than to be coming for breakfast date abi? Nonsense!

That’s why Nigeria is the poverty capital of the world.

I looked down at the breakfast and saw that it is two slices of bread they gave me. When Mai Shai will give me one full bread and squeeze egg inside for me. Lagos restaurants should just bring out gun.

My neighbour called back and I took the call.

Neighbour: Hauwa, did you take the change in my car?

Me: (eats sausage)

Neighbour: Am I talking to someone there??

Me: You know I am coming to restaurant and you didn’t give me money to hold.

He cut the call and when I came back home, he started shouting.

He is short too. Just avoid short men in general. They will give you headache.