It All Started With Guguru And Epa

That means Popcorn and Groundnuts.

My Guys,

Before I start today’s letter, I have to respond to the people that have been asking me to bring back Èṣù. You can read it here if you haven’t.

I started writing it again but I have decided to finish the entire thing before I put it out again. So please give me some more time and the complete version of Èṣù will be available. 🖤

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Now, let’s get into today’s gist. And bear with me, this letter will be long.

You know those friends who are the only ones that can’t see how useless their boyfriends are? Yes, that’s my friend, Sekinah.

I can’t stand her man. The only thing Niyi knows how to do is wake up at 1 pm, wash his face and go and play ball on the road hoping someone will sign him to Man-U.

Like don’t you have future?

The only reason I haven’t scattered their relationship is because his mum sends guguru and epa (popcorn and groundnut) to Sekinah and obviously, I collect too.

But on the days he doesn’t bring anything, this is how I look at that his stupid kwashiorkor head.

One day, I was on my own when he came to convince me to help him plan proposal. He wanted to do it on the beach with flowers, lights and Johnny Drille singing in the background. After all the story, he counted money and put it in my hand. 

This foolish bastard gave me 8,500

Me: Is it for all that thing you just told me?

Him: Yes, and bring champagne.

Me:

When he left, I carried his money to go and eat hot amala in Shomolu and I stepped it down with cold coke. On the way home, I bought yoghurt so that anytime I remember the foolish boy, I will eat yoghurt to stop myself from committing murder.

On proposal day, we got to the venue.

Him: What is this?

Me: (chews corn) What your money carry.

Him: Ikeja under bridge?

Me: And then?

Him: Did I not say I want to do it beside water?

Me: And can’t you see water on the floor?

Him: Where is Johnny Drille?

Me: His number didn’t go. Will you manage Kamo Olorin?

Baba vexed and started shouting.

Me: (sucks ube) Let me tell you something (sucks more) If you like, continue shouting but I book this place for 10 minutes so if you want to propose, propose fast.

He walked out on me and I went to eat asaro somewhere. When I got home, I met ring on Seki’s finger with these fools congratulating themselves over a successful proposal and feeding each other my yoghurt. 

Me, that night, after I put his passport in our calabash.

A week after the stupid proposal, Sekinat told me her in-laws wanted her to come to Akure. I immediately went to pack my load because In Sha Allah, someone can see guguru and epa as souvenir.

When we entered the compound and I saw men pounding yam, I quickly wrote my number on paper and chook it inside the hand of one of the men. When you finish pounding, bring to my room let me eat, and then you can pound me. Hehehe.

I had not finished flirting when we heard people shouting from inside. Niyi’s mum burst out. 

“Yes! He is not your son because I knew you were cheating so I slept with my ex”

Daddy Niyi: That stupid man that comes to collect ajo from my hand?

Me: Chisos.

Niyi: Mum? Daddy is not my father?

Me: (whispers to Niyi) You cannot even be his child. Look at how your head is big. His own head is small.

Daddy Niyi: What did you say there?

Me: I said his head is big so he cannot be your child.

Mummy Niyi: (squints at me) Are you not the one that’s always coming to general hospital?? To do abortion?

Me: Okay but at least I am not giving birth to child that is not my husband own.

Daddy Niyi: Is this the kind of friends your future wife keeps? (To Sekinah) What do you have to say?

Now, I told you that this girl does not have sense, didn’t I?

Sekinah: He really don’t resemble you o.

Daddy Niyi: get out

Me: Okay sah. No problem. But can you just allow me to wait so the Egusi can done?

Mummy Niyi: Hope you are not mad?

Me: What of guguru and epa ma? 🤲🏾

Omo. She threw slippers at us and we ran away. Introduction in the mud.

Now, if I had sense, shebi I would have gone back to Lagos with Sekinah? Noo. I told her to be going home while I snuck back to the place where they were pounding yam.

I ate pounded yam and followed man home but my period did not follow me back.

But I have decided it is menopause because it is Mummy Niyi’s ex that I followed home that day. Which means it is Niyi’s brother I am carrying.

On the bright side, guess who what I will soon be collecting as a bonafide member of the Niyi household? All things work together for good.

Thank you God.

Now, all of you can send me naming ceremony gift. Anybody that brings baby baff to my side will collect swear. Respect yourself. Thank you. 🖤