Kabs And His Family Members Are Mad

Yes, I said it. ALL OF THEM.

My People,

First, let me apologise for ghosting. I’m going through a lot. In fact, right now, I am treating headache and malaria together because my boyfriend’s problem is too much. Wahala Kabiru ti poju fun emi mi (Kabiru’s wahala is too much for my soul). 

See all the drugs that I’m using because of him.

Sometimes, it’ll be doing me like I should pour hot ewedu on his head but his uncle is into juju and that man has been looking for a reason to turn me to horse. So clearly, I have to wait for his uncle to die before I put ewedu water on fire.

I’'ll stop rambling now so we can get to the topic of this newsletter.

It is still my useless boyfriend. Because na werey.

As you may or may not know, when you’re engaged to a man (yes, my baby engaged me. Where is your own ring?), you need to have a relationship with his family.

But tell me why it’s when they engaged me that Kabiru’s aunty decides to fall sick? And it is not ordinary sick, I think she’s running mad (but I cannot gossip about my in-laws. I think she is into drugs and she went to smoke colorado and now, it has changed her brain settings).

Anyway, she’s sha pre-mad and they said all the wives in the family should pick one week to stay with her.

Last week was my week on the time table.

Now, mind you, this woman has husband but they said he is always off shore. Personally, I think he ran away because she smells like he-goat but that’s not the point.

Last week monday, I packed my bag and went there. When she saw me enter the house with my mask, she asked why I was covering my nose. Obviously, I can’t tell my future husband’s aunty that it is because she is smelling like he-goat. So I said it is because she is smelling like soakaway. I feel like soakaway is better than he-goat.

They almost disengage me. 🤣🤣🤣

But let’s move on.

This aunty lives in a face-me-I-face-you building with some interesting neighbours but the people that caught my attention were a prostitute and a scammer.

I first approached the scammer to learn Yahoo but the idiot said they expelled him from Yahoo school so, right now, he is just wearing masquerade cloth up and down and collecting money from people.

I left and went to meet the prostitute but I told her I don’t want to have sex because I will soon marry. She should give me clients that just want handjob. She showed me the picture of one man that looks like this.

Me: So I should die? 

Her: Hauwa, you won’t die.

Me: See my small hand. How will it fit this one?

Her: You will use two hand.

Me: Like I’m pounding yam?

I sha left her place because she’s clearly a werey too.

The next morning, I went to pack our scammer’s masquerade cloth and used it to sew Ayra Starr skirt. Then, I went to look for client.

I cannot tell you what I did outside because I will soon marry and, you are not the one that will spoil my marriage for me.

But when I came back home, I saw scammer wearing his masquerade cloth, preparing to go out.

Me: Who cloth did I now wear?

Next thing, Kabiru’s juju uncle burst out of the prostitute’s room and started shouting that someone has carried his Aso Agbara (cloth of power)

I looked at my skirt. He looked at me. I looked at him.

Him: Did you use my cloth to do miniskirt.

Me: No vex, I din’t know it was your own.

As he was shouting on my head and ranting about turning me to horse, Kabiru’s Aunty came out to shout too because I have not cooked for her since I came.

Me, I shouted at her back because how will I see space to cook when she’s always smelling like goat.

Anyway, I’m back in Lagos and since I came back, Kabiru has not picked my call. And I can feel my head getting bigger. I’m trying to convince myself it is malaria and I’m not turning to horse because of Kabiru’s uncle.

But why am I drinking water like an animal? Who do me this thing? 

Also, if I turn to horse, please nobody should take me to any detty rubbish bar beach and put their girlfriend on my back. I will fling her away or I will carry her and run inside water. 😡😡😡

Please take me to Dubai. All those sand sand places. Let me too do…

Thank you and till next time.

(Also pardon any grammatical errors. You know my condition.)