Kamo X Hauwa

I don't know who send me work to date Yahoo boy.

When they are doing you, you will know. And I know that they are doing me.

Because last week, they fired me for using office printer to print 400 obituary posters.

After collecting my sack letter, I went home to ask my father what exactly we’d do about my case because I don’t know again o.

We came up with a solution - I was to travel to the village to wash my head. 

So, I went and washed the head. I was going to enter bus back to Lagos when I saw this guy called Kamo Dollar sitting on a GeePee tank, pressing laptop. 

Shebi, if I had sense, I would have walked away but not me! NEVER ME!

My head started doing calculation. Kamo Dollar looked like a Yahoo boy and Yahoo boys usually buy shawarma for girls.

Kamo Dollar + Me = Shawarma. Bell started ringing inside my head.

I ran to the GeePee tank and shouted, “BODA!”. Kamo Dollar ignored me and continued pressing his laptop so I shouted again “I THINK I HAVE LOST IN THIS VILLAGE O”

Kamo Dollar got down and we started talking. As we strolled around, my father’s call entered and I used energy to cut it because why is it when they want to buy shawarma for me that you will be calling? 

Are you the one doing me?

So, it became a thing. Every evening, Kamo Dollar and I will go and eat Sharwarma. 

Now, because Kamo Dollar is a Yahoo Boy, I always rush the shawarma because someone does not know when EFCC will come.

Let it not be that it is when I am eating Shawarma that EFCC’s head will come and carry me with Kamo Dollar.

Kamo: Don’t be rushing your shawarma now.

Me with a whole shawarma in my mouth: Ah I have choir practice. That’s why.

That’s how we continued until one day, I came to Kamo’s house and saw people crying outside. I first move back and surveyed. Let it not be that they have arrested Kamo Dollar and I am coming to submit myself for secondary arrest.

But Kamo came out and said his grandpa just died. Ah, so I won’t eat Sharwama today like this?

As I was thinking, I noticed that Kamo’s family members were dropping food and money in front of the people that were crying and wailing. 

I asked Kamo why and he said that in his family, anybody that cries very well is rewarded with food and money. I said KAMO SAY NO MORE! I CAN CRY.

That’s how I remove slippers and jump on the ground.

I say “HEEEEIIIIIII GRANDPA KAMO! WHY DID YOU LEAVE US?!”

Me, that my life path is not even smooth before, I have things to cry about! I shouted again, “HEIIII! YOU DID NOT SAY THIS IS HOW YOU WILL LEAVE US O!”

Me: *cries in Ekun Egbere*

Grandpa in heaven: Who is this bastard?

Everyone was shouting, “Iyawo Kamo, sorry eh! Take heart”. 

As they were consoling me, they were dropping N1,000 and wraps of moimoi. Me too, I was chooking it inside my bag. Night food don set.

I said, “Heeeiiiiii Granpa Kamo!!! Not now!! How will we continue????”

I put slippers on my head and shouted,  “CHIMOOOOO! Your great-grandchildren will not see you!”.

Once Kamo’s family heard children, they started dropping more money. So I energized it.

I shouted, “KAMO SAID HE ONLY WANTS 4 CHILDREN BUT I SAID I MUST BORN 10!!”

Hei, money started falling again. Rice, fried meat, Mirinda!

I brought out ring and chook it in my finger and shouted, “AND KAMO HAVE ENGAGE ME O”. 

Kamo: When did I engage you?

After everything, they said it was time to dance to the burial ground. Omooooo, if you see the way your girl was twerking behind coffin? Thank God for primary 6 cultural dance practice. 

At the burial ground, when the imam asked who cried and danced the most, I jumped forward. Me, I thought they wanted to give me cash prize for Best In Crying.

Imam said, “Oya, Iyawo Kamo jump inside the grave”.

I say jump where? Who is Iyawo Kamo? Imam said all the money they gave me is what Grandpa Kamo will be spending in the other life. 

Did Grandpa Kamo help me to dance? Abaye Grandpa Kamo fe run ni? (Granpa Kamo’s life want to spoil?)

Kamo too came and said “Hauwa do me proud”. Hope there is no suckaway in your head? You and who?

Kamo sighed and said, “Hauwa, Shebi, you want to born for me?”

Okay, how will I born if I follow your daddy inside grave? 

Kamo said, “You will be coming to my dream to sleep with me and Grandpa can raise our children there”. I say it’s like you’re mad.

When the Imam held my trouser, I said ok, I want to piss. Imam said you’re not going anywhere! I said won’t I piss? They said no, you will piss in the great beyond.

As Imam wanted to carry me, I used shovel to knack his head and ran to the garage to enter bus to Lagos.

Now, you would think this is where the story ends, right? Until two weeks later when my daddy was watching a BBC documentary on Nigerian Burials.

Guess who was dancing atilogwu behind coffin with energy?

WHO RECORD ME AND GAVE MY VIDEO TO BBC FOR BURIAL DOCUMENTARY?