My Brother Fell In Love And Now Everybody Is Exhausted

Because why should your decisions affect us?

When my brother announced that he was getting married, we thought it was a joke.

It was a random afternoon. We had just finished having lunch but we were still seated around the dining table, with our plates in front of us. I was shoving my other brother’s hand out of my bowl of pawpaw, my mother was peering at her phone probably reading a false Whatsapp broadcast message, and my father was squinting at a bottle of wine his brother had given him, trying to figure out if it had not expired (because we all know Boda Sege does not give out anything unless it’s about to expire or is expired).

My brother (I shall refer to him as ‘the fool’ from now on) cleared his throat and announced that he had something to say. I rolled my eyes. My father smiled at him proudly because the fool is actually his golden child. Whenever he made such announcements, it was either due to an award or a scholarship. To my father, the rest of us are insurance babes. And you can probably tell because we were still fighting over the pawpaw.

“My babe and I have decided to get married”

My father froze. Along with his smile. My mother looked around to check if anyone else heard that. Pawpaw fell out of my mouth. My other brother gaped at him. My mother stared at my father wondering why he was still smiling. I am guessing my father couldn’t wipe the smile off his face due to shock.

I mean, marriage was not what he expected from my brother. From me? Yes. Because he would not be too surprised if someone knocked me up. But his golden child? Now? When he had not gone far into his medical career?

My mother quietly asked if the girl was pregnant and went on to add that even if she were, marriage shouldn’t be the solution. The fool kicked back his head and laughed. She was not pregnant, they were just in love. It caused my mother to throw a fork at his head.

You see, this wedding was going to affect all of us in various ways.

For my parents, it was going to cost them some coins. Plus a lot of stress because Nigerian weddings are not for the weak.

For my other brother, his older brother (and best buddy) was going off to start his own family.

For me, it was unspoken permission for all my uncles and aunties with unbridled tongues to start asking when my husband will be brought to them.

The smile eventually left my father’s face when the fool said he was serious about the wedding and they were planning it for November. Lmaooo. He picked a slice of pawapaw, announced that his babe’s parents had asked my parents to come over, and walked out.

My mother started shouting at me to clear the plates like it was my fault that someone fell in love without telling us.

A few months before the wedding, the bridal list arrived and my mother dragged me to the market where we bought 42 tubers of yam, fruits, drinks, and all the other things on the list. After that, we went to another market to buy the bride’s boxes, shoes, accessories, and outfits.

I am not even the one getting married and I am being stressed like this?? WHY?

A few days ago, we left for Ibadan where the wedding is happening and it has been from one wahala to the next. I am hiding in my cousin’s hotel room and writing this newsletter because I know the minute my mother sees me, she will remember that our Uncle from Sango has not eaten Amala.

This uncle has the stomach of a pregnant goat, yet he’ll saunter out of his hotel room to ask for what we have for lunch. Sometimes, I wonder if his wife is worried about his stomach but then, I assumed the bigger he is, the lazier he gets and the less he might bother her for sex? So she just feeds him excessively and hopes for the worst?

Not the best plan but certainly not the worst.

Anyway, I told him the hotel has a menu and he can charge it to his room but he’s decided to be selectively deaf. The only time his ear works is when my mother asks him if Hauwa should bring food.

He told me privately that he’d like to have a word with me and I have been avoiding him ever since. Anytime I see his stomach, I run in the opposite direction because I already know he wants to ask.

And what did I do to deserve this? Nothing.

My brother just went to fall in love and now, I can’t rest. My mates are in Cancun with bae and I’m stuck with my uncle from Sango. I hope Boda Sege gives him expired semo as wedding gift.

The only highlight of this day is my henna.

I hope tomorrow is better. If it isn’t, you’ll get a letter.