My Security Man Planned Our Introduction

You're as confused as I was.

For you to properly understand this story, I have to explain my living situation. I live in an estate which has three security men stationed there, at all times. You may read this and think, wow, your estate must be very safe.

No.

It’s just three men, sleeping.

And to be honest, I cannot blame them. Who is not tired of this useless country?

Until one day, when I see a new face at the gate. Hamza. Our former security man retired because he was tired of sleeping under the hot sun. Why sleep under the hot sun when you can sleep in your bed at home?

Let’s come back to Hamza. Now, the only reason I noticed him is because this boy’s eyes were always open. Why are you looking at me like a bush baby on cocaine? Just close your eyes and sleep.

But Hamza did not sleep. Instead, Hamza did his job efficiently which led me to believe Hamza had sense.

Spoiler - Hamza did not have sense.

But I took a shine to him because of his diligence. So every time I saw him at the gate, I waved to him and only him. First Mistake (but how will I wave to the others when they are all snoring?)

My second mistake was giving Hamza some Iftar (the food used to break your fast) whenever I could.

During Ramadan, I rarely cooked. I just ordered from chowdeck. Noticing Hamza is a muslim, I’d order extra food for Hamza and ask them to leave it at the gate. Like I said, second mistake.

Third mistake is asking Hamza to come to my house. It is at this stage that you may say, “Hauwa, you were asking for this introduction” but WAIT

Let me explain before I go and buy the nail that you will use to crucify me.

As a woman with some social following, sometimes I have brands sending me things I do not need and in order not to waste these things, I give them out. And the closest people to me are my security guards.

So 3 packs of juice come? I’d call Hamza to take some.

A gift pack with shirts and bottles I have no need for? Hamza.

Too much food was delivered and my fridge is full? Hamza.

My last and final mistake? I told Hamza my age.

I was entering the gate but it was hot so I decided to sit and catch my breath. Hamza started talking to me and asked why I didn’t have a car. I told him I had not saved enough for one. He said my chairman could buy for me and I told him I didn’t have chairman. He looked shocked and asked how old I was.

29, I laughed.

Ah you’re not a small girl o. You go soon 30. You suppose don marry.

Shey you go marry me nau, I said jokingly. 

We laughed and I stood up to go home.

I can imagine Hamza looking at me as I walked away, shaking his head in pity and coming to the hard decision to marry me as no other man would do the job.

I fully believe marriage to me was Hamza’s way of thanking and saving me from a pitiable life as a spinster because tell me why Hamza showed up to my house on the day after Eid with two old people. I came out and asked if everything was okay. He told me he wanted to introduce me to his parents to thank me for everything.

As a Yoruba girl, I bent to greet them as Hamza stared at me proudly. I didn’t know I was greeting my inlaws. And then, as we have established that I am a pro at making bad choices, I let them in because…

1. It's Hamza. He’s harmless.

2. They are old people. I am not going to let them stand under the sun.

I tried to serve them water but his daddy asked for the ChiExotic he saw on my table. I gave it to him and I wanted to give his mum too but she said no.

I thought well, at least someone does not have long throat in this family until she asked me to go and make tea for her.

I started wondering when they will go because is it not thank you they came to say until his mum asked me when they will see my parents

Hain? 

Your mother and father

For what ma?

To make it official so we can start planning the wedding.

HAIN?

Hamza looked at me and nodded proudly.

But it has to be a quiet wedding because Hamza already has a wife that he married last year and we don’t want her to feel bad because you are living in this kind of house. But Hamza already told us you don’t have big money because you don’t have car. That one is good.

DOUBLE HAIN

I looked at Hamza. Again, he nodded proudly.

And when Hamza come and carry you, you will not be living here again. You will come and stay with your senior wife, at least for one year.

It was like as if my ear was paining me. I wanted to sit down to process it properly but his mummy shouted.

You have not made my tea o.

I snatched my ChiExotic from his daddy’s hand. Baba shout ah. I said if he shout I will collect the cup too. He quickly rushed it.

His mum started shouting at Hamza about the wife he brought. I told her that I will use her asalatu scarf to fling her from my balcony.

Still in shock, Hamza shuffled his daddy and mummy out of my house as his father continued to complain about how I snatched the chiexotic.

Only for them to leave my house and I could not find my ChiExotic again. WHAT KIND OF THING IS THIS? DID HE PUT THAT CHIEXOTIC UNDER HIS DASHIKI?

Now, this is how I pass Hamza at the gate.