So You’re Single On Valentines Day

LMAOOOOO

(I wrote this yesterday and forgot to send it, so pretend like you’re reading this on Valentine’s day, okay?)

OK.

I’m sending this newsletter at 8pm on the dot on valentines day. If you open it immediately, you’re either very single or you and your partner don’t send each other because why are you opening Hauwa’s Newsletter at 8pm on lover’s night? Shouldn’t you be collecting (or giving) TA TA TA?

Nawa for you o.

And for people in loving relationships, who are reading this newsletter from the arms of their partners, all I can say is you’re mad.

Now.

To the point of this letter.

Today, too many IG motivational speakers warned people against comparing themselves to internet couples. So, just because Linda is receiving roses and wine doesn’t mean you should compare your relationship to hers.

That’s not my business.

If you like, compare and kill yourself. When you get to heaven, you will be explaining to God why you let danfo hit you because you were crying about Foluke’s status.

Anyway, like I said, it’s not my business.

This newsletter is for the single people that are sad and mopping because it’s valentine’s day and they didn’t get a gift.

Wait. Are you mad?

Give me one reason why you’re sad now. Because you would like some flowers, cake and a declaration of love? Do you know we don’t have fuel in this country? Hope you know that Buhari has shenked us? And the only time you will see that man again is if one of his children decides to do wedding. And I think they’ve married them finish so you won’t see him again.

Hope you know we don’t have Naira notes too? Because I didn’t have money to enter danfo, I walked from Gbagada to Yaba. Do you know how far it is? I think someone should force you to walk so you will have better things to be sad about.

Maybe when all your legs are swollen and you have to take panadol to sleep, you won’t have time to remember valentines day.

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Let me calm down small. I’m getting too angry because of that useless walk.

Do you know nobody stopped to carry me?

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Look, say you do have a partner that does all these things for you every valentines day but you break up. So you’ll be sad again until another person comes along to do it for you? Do you see how exhausting that is? 

This year, make it a tradition. Get yourself something for valentines because you deserve it. So, the minute someone comes into your life, they’ll only be adding to it. And if they leave, Valentine's day will still be special because you will never leave? Get it?

(Except if you die and you won’t die now. Amen)

I know some goats are somewhere shouting - Hauwa, forget that thing. I want flowers, cake and trips.

All I can say is you’re an armed robber. Ole.