The Head Of Our Family Ran Away

Because why is he not where we put him?

It is important to state that everything in this letter is Sanwo Olu’s fault. 

Warning - This newsletter deals with death and burials. If you’re sensitive to the topic, please don’t read further.

Like many families in Lagos, we bury our dead at the back of our family house because we don’t have money for cemetery. How can they be telling us to bring 400k to bury one family member that is not even that important? Well, us we don’t have that kind of money so we use our backyard. 

And because the backyard isn’t that big, our dead family members have to lap themselves in the grave.

It’s either that or we throw them inside canal at night. That’s what we did for Boda Jimoh.

Last week, officials of the Lagos State government came to inform us that they want to demolish our family house, so we have to move. BEHT, because we can’t go without the people in our backyard, we decided to dig them up. I noticed that during the discussion, my Grand Uncle Akaani was saying we should leave them but Grandma refused. She said she must did Grandpa up and take him with her.

When we asked her where she will put Grandpa, she said she will give him to me to keep for her. Keep wetin?

Me that I was going to squat with Kabiru. Will I be carrying Grandpa to meet him? And you people know the kind of boyfriend I have. You know he will chase me away.

Anyway, grandma agreed to carry him to the IDP camp she was going to, so we went to the backyard to start work.

We finally dug Grandpa up oh and Grandma said she wants to open the casket and touch her husband’s bones. Uncle Akaani started shouting. We sha didn’t answer him. We open casket. We no see grandpa. I say what? Where is our patriach?

Even if he wants to go to heaven (and I know he can never reach there), we are still supposed to see his bone. So, where did he go?

Or did someone come and dig him to use for money ritual? If so, where is our share? Because if you’re going to use our grandpa, the right thing to do is give us some money because na we provide raw material.

How much will I see?

I was still thinking about my own share when Uncle Akaani confessed that grandpa didn’t die. He faked his death so that he can escape from our family. Apparently, Grandpa is in New york doing security guard. 

So when we were doing burial, my Grandpa was inside plane? My Grandma wan crase.

We told Uncle Akaani to call him for us. And inform him that we dug him up. He picked up and started shouting at Grandma.

Grandpa: WHY YOU DIDN’T LET ME REST IN PEACE, MODINO!

My Grandma too is shouting “LAMIDI O NI KURE” (Lamidi, you won’t die well)

Grandpa: MO TI KU ALREADY. KI LO DE TO FI WU MI JADE!  (I have already died, why did you dig me up)

Grandma: LAMIDI! 

Next thing, I heard an oyinbo man’s voice, “Dad, we are leaving”

Grandma: LAMIDI, SHO BIMO SIBE NI (Lamidi, do you have a child there?)

Grandpa: SHE KIN MA BAYAN SUN NI? KI LO DE TO FIN SO OKO MI? (Should I not have sex again? Why are you monitoring my penis).

Anyway, it turns out my grandpa ran away to America, married oyinbo woman and had a son.

Since then, my head has been calculating how I will collect money from this oyinbo boy because I want to buy car.

Since the day that we found out, I’ve been sending him VN of me crying. I said Sanwo Olu wants to demolish our house and we don’t have anywhere to go, so he should send hotel money.

Sometimes, I’ll sneak into my grandma’s room when she’s sleeping, put drip beside her bed, take a picture, send it to my new cousin and cry that we need hospital money. He will now send his own VN and say “Gosh, cousin Hauwa, I am so sorry”

But since I have been sending VN to this werey, he has not sent one dollar to me. Why are people stingy like this? If I count how many minutes I have used to cry on VN, it can enter 300. Idiot.

Anyway sha, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Let me go and submit today’s tears.

I can hear someone digging our backyard and my grandma is shouting;

OUR OWN BACKYARD IS YOUR BURIAL GROUND ABI? US, THAT WE ARE USING CANAL, OUR HEAD IS NOT CORRECT!

See why I am crying on VN everyday? Everybody in this family is not okay.

Sigh.

And it’s all Sanwo Olu’s fault.