The Love Of Your Life Is Not On Radio 😩

He said he will collect the two kidneys and my left leg for 34 thousand Naira.

The first set of people I want to address in this letter are those that don’t know more than to be posting WhatsApp status. Angel Gabriel can be blowing trumpet like this and they will still open WhatsApp to post. You people are the reason I am writing this letter.

Now, I won’t lie. Usually, these people come in handy.

When they serve you breakfast, they are there with funny videos on their status. When you can’t pay your rent, you’ll check their status and laugh as they throw your load out. When they sack you for renting your Oga’s car to mortuary people, guess who is there to cheer you up?

That person on your contact list!

But there are some unfortunate ones. Like Mokola. Mokola posts all these kinds of motivational quotes on his status. 

I used to think it was because he was insightful, but now I see he is just wretched and jobless. One day, I woke up and saw he had posted something along the lines of :

‘You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results’

That day, it rained and I was in my feelings. Nobody to hug. Nobody to cuddle. Nobody to send me Good Morning Babe.

I decided to call a radio station and say that I’m looking for a man. And because I don’t have sense, I called 107.5FM. For those that don’t know, 107.5 is a Yoruba station called Okin FM where they matchmake lovers.

The OAP told me to call my number on air and I opened that my stupid mouth to call the office number I use. I even told them if they don’t get the GLO, they should try the MTN.

The next morning, one man called to ask me for credit, I blocked him. 

In the afternoon, another one called to ask if I have yansh, I said small, he cut the call and blocked me.

Is this not enough for you people? Why are you greedy? Is this not okay?

Later in the day, another one called to ask if I had kidney to sell. I said yes because what am I really using two for? He said okay, he will collect the two kidneys and my left leg for 34 thousand Naira. I told him he will run mad before Friday and cut the call.

At night, the first guy used another number to call me to say he was still waiting for the credit.

Let me just stop here to tell you that the woman that wrote Nearly All The Men In Lagos Are Mad didn’t get it. She was supposed to fling the ‘Nearly’ out and use the tears of Nigerian men to wash her bumbum. 

So back to my story.

I was starting to regret sharing my number on air when Amir called and his voice! Guys! I was in love. I had already started to picture our lives together and all the cute babies we’d have. 😍

Eventually, we agreed to meet in Amir’s apartment. This is me, walking and dancing on the road like someone that doesn’t have common sense. 😭

When I reached there and saw the rubbish he called apartment.

Wetin be this? How will I enter? Will I climb up? Where is the railing? Burglary proof nko? What in the name of trenches is this?

Lesson 1: When Ikorodu people say they live in ‘apartment’, just hiss and walk away.

This is the apartment.

When I knocked, one old man with wrapper & chewing stick in his mouth opened the door and I told him I was looking for his son. 

Old man: Are you not Hauwa?

Me: Your son’s wife, yes. (big smile)

Old Man: Ehnehn! You’re the girl Wasiu was toasting for me abi?

They first ring closing time bell in my head. Wasiu? Who is Wasiu?

Baba said Wasiu is his son. He asked me to come in and because I was smelling Ogbono, I entered. I had not sat down when he said I should go and turn eba for him. So, I went into the kitchen, carried the ogbono and escaped from the window.

The next day, I was eating poundo with the ogbono and listening to the radio when Amir called.

Awn. My babe called to apologize.

He started shouting that one stupid girl carried his father’s last soup and he does not want to see my leg in their place again. Guys, they broke up with me on 107.5fm. 😪

At that moment, Mokola posted on his status, “Your love is out there. Chase after it”. I called that one to abuse him and then, I blocked his number.

The next morning at work, my phone started ringing and my boss asked me to put it on speaker.

Me: Hello?

Him: Hauwa?

Me: Ehn yes?

Him: Can you marry Abobaku*?

Me: You are mad!

I off the phone. They sha fired me and collected the office phone back.

Now, I’m single and jobless. Should I call the abobaku guy back?😔

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Till next week!

Hopefully, I’ll have a date by then 🤞🏾 and I can gist you people and shame my enemies (I am also open to being set up with rich rich people.🙏🏾)

Your babe,

Hauwa. ❤️

Abobaku - A King's servant whose duty is to die with him when he joins his ancestors