WHY ARE WOMEN WICKED?

Apparently, she'd been talking to other guys and sending nudes to her ex.

Every time I’m in a cab, I sit in the owner’s corner and plug my ears. I’m not one of those people that enjoys conversing with strangers. I hate it. When I’m in a moving car, all I want to do is to sit with my thoughts, have the breeze sweep across my face and listen to a song.

This was what I planned to do last Sunday when I found myself in a cab but as I plugged my AirPods in my ears, I heard that disappointing yet familiar sound signifying low battery.

I yanked out the pods in anger and put them back in the case. 10 minutes into a very silent ride, the driver, Mr. Patrick, suddenly turned to look at me.

“WHY ARE WOMEN WICKED EH?”

Okay…?

First of all, that came out of nowhere. 

Second, it came with absolutely no context and for the life of me, I didn’t know how or what to respond.

“What do you mean?”

“You people are wicked”, he emphasised.

I sighed. We were still about 15 minutes from my destination. Might as well have this conversation he clearly so desperately needed to have.

“What happened?”

“The girl I have been dating for good seven months has just been sharing her pictures to different different men on Whatsapp!”

Is she planning to go missing?

“I opened her phone one night and I saw everything. How can you be in a relationship and you are giving men your pictures like that? Free of charge!”

Wait, should she have monetised it? Well, she probably is monetising it.

I asked him if he was sure she knew they were together and he scoffed at the question. Things had been going smoothly and they were even planning to move in together until one night when he checked her phone.

(Don’t check your partner’s phone if you don’t trust them. You will cry blood.)

Apparently, she had been talking to other guys and sending nudes to her ex (a whole married man). He confronted her about it (especially about the married man) and what did Aunty do? She changed her password.

LMAOOOOO

To what, you may ask? Her birthday.

Which he easily cracked, of course. A few weeks later, he found out that the married man had been taking her to hotels, buying her shawarma, promising to open a shop for her and even build her a house.

He confronted her again. And she changed the password AGAIN. He has not been able to crack this one.

“I am just thinking of calling that man. Can’t he leave another person’s wife alone?”, Mr. Patrick lamented. His voice had lost the anger and vim with which he started this conversation.

“What about the guys she is sending her pictures to? Are you going to call all of them?”

This man left the steering wheel and put both his hands on his head and screamed:

“CHIDINMA WHYYYYYYY”

“Does she want to end me? And when I ask why she is doing this, her excuse is all men cheat.”

“Well”

“Do you believe all men cheat, Aunty?”

“No”

“You see!!!”

“But a lot of men do”

“Leave her now”, I suggested.

“I can’t leave her o. I cannot leave her for that man.”

Fortunately for me, we had gotten to our destination. I paid and rushed out of the car. On my short walk inside, I started feeling really sorry for him.

Until I remembered the Yoruba Uber driver professing his love for his Igbo babe, saying tribalism could never come between him and his Ijeoma.

I melted and gave him his flowers for sticking the middle finger to tribalism.

The next thing out of his mouth was, “But my wife is Yoruba”

So yes, women are wicked but men are wicked too and wicked people deserve each other.

But then, Mr. Patrick probably doesn’t deserve this.

So Chidinma, if you’re out there reading this. Please stop cheating on Mr. Patrick. You’ve broken the man enough and he needs to stop using his riders for therapy.

But I know you won’t stop because you probably have big bumbum and big bumbum women are wicked human beings.

And it’s God that will judge you.

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Today’s song is Letting Go by FireBoy. Hopefully Mr. Patrick can muster the strength to let go.