Why I Went Offline

And hid from everything.

Hey, 

So I know it’s been a minute since you heard from me. I also know that whenever you get an email from me, it’s usually an episode of Esu.

But from the topic, you already know this isn’t Esu. It’s a letter to you. An explanation? Or a purge? I’m not entirely sure but I felt the need to write to you.

A few weeks ago, I went AWOL. Completely. And for a content creator, that’s a very dangerous game to play.

I came back online after almost two weeks and thankfully, not many people had noticed my absence. I felt like I could sneak back in, like a broke Nigerian petty thief.

But I couldn’t because a few people had sent messages hoping to find out if I was okay. Some of the messages showed silent support of what the senders believed I was going through while the others seemed more cheery.

However, the recurring question was - Hauwa, where have you been and why have we not heard from you?

I’ll try to answer that with this letter. I deliberately chose to put this here instead of on other platforms because you’re my select few. The people who go the extra mile to support me. My people.

So why did I run away?

I have been tired. This kind of tired.

Woosh!

The kind of fatigue that has me staring at my phone, unable to respond to messages, even from the people I love. The kind that has me wanting to close my eyes just for 10 more minutes so I don’t have to face a new day. The kind that has me crawled up in a fetal position because it’s the only way I feel some form of safety. The kind where I pretend to be happy for a few hours or days and hope my body will get the memo and snap out of it. The kind that has me wondering where exactly I am headed. The kind of fatigue that has me doubting if this is all is even worth it.

That kind of tired.

If you truly understand this feeling, I am sorry. And if you don’t, I hope you never get to.

While I was going through this, I also battled the anxiety that came with not being productive. I wanted to be productive. I needed to be productive but my body just wouldn’t move and so, at a point, I succumbed and let myself go.

I shut it all down and I left.

A few weeks later, a friend texted to say she noticed my absence. She asked me what was going on and in a very un-adultlike way, instead of saying I was okay, I replied truthfully saying I was tired and I needed a break.

Her response was “You do need it”. 

I was sooo mentally prepared to defend myself because I was ready to hear the ‘you can fight through this speech’ but she didn’t come with the bullshit.

And that was what I needed. The acknowledgement. The permission. I needed to quiet the voice in my head that told me I needed to be productive just because it was expected of me when what I really needed was to accept that my mental health needed this break.

So, I hope that when you are tired (because everyone gets tired), you give yourself the break you need and I also hope that you have the support that you need. 

If you don’t have a support system, email me back. It may take a while for me to respond because I’m also struggling but I promise, I will respond. 

Lastly, yes. Yes, the world will move on when you aren’t there but when you’re strong enough to come back, the people that will be waiting, will be waiting.

I promise. *insert kissy emoji because I like rubbish*

Love,

A very exhausted content creator.

Ps - If you’ve tried to reach out to me on Whatsapp and I have not responded, sorry. My phone gave up on me.

Wema, I’m talking to you.