Why Is God Doing This To Single People?

Can we please beg Him to stop this thing?

Let’s start today’s letter with body odour. 

Zikoko

Every day, at least five Nigerians come on the Lord’s internet to preach the gospel of deodorant because apparently, people are out here smelling like goats.

And I don’t blame them (I mean the people smelling up and down) because you know what that points to? The fact that Nigeria is a pretty hot country and if we are not hopping from an air conditioned car to an air conditioned office, we are probably going to sweat. Hence, the reason why some people are smelling like they’ve not poured water on their body for 40 years.

And that’s the problem Nigeria gives us during the hot months so, every day, we pray and beg God to send down the rain. So that at least, people will stop sweating and our nose can rest.

But with the rain comes a much bigger problem and I’ll explain.

Yes, we have flooded roads, bursting pipes and ineffective drainage. Especially in Lagos where our last governor was a grilled fish-eating baddie trying to force his stomach into an undersized shirt and the current one is more interested in pointing towards his failures rather than fixing them.

But more important is this weather for two that God has expertly designed.

You may say, “Oh come on, that’s not a problem” and in response to that I ask Amadioha to strike your mouth because you are probably in a relationship.

You know why this pains me on a much deeper level? It’s the fact that everyone who lives in Lagos knows the city is such a hell hole during the hot months so small rain with cool breeze and cold weather can be a respite. But not for the single pringles.

We will suffer heat and body odour and still suffer cuddling alone with the knowledge that some of you are snuggling in bed with your partners.

Zikoko Memes.

Social media will pressure single people online, God will still send rain to pressure us offline. So when exactly are we going to catch a break?

At least before the invention of social media, the only way you could see couples was if you went outside but these days once you turn on your phone like this, straight up pressure.

And even worse, at least back then, the government could send your boyfriend to fight war, leaving you forcefully single but nothing like that these days. Relationship people are just out here having a swell time and God is endorsing it.

This rain has been falling for hours which further proves my point that God is really on their side.

On top of that, we are now forced to work with relationship people. You’ll just be sending email, dispatch rider will call your colleague that her boyfriend sent hot small chops. So while you’re sending email, they are sending your mate small chops. See your life?

Know your meme

Can God ban relationships already? Didn’t the first couple he created disappoint him? Why is He still for this couple couple things? Or at least, He should bring back the heat.

I know some people are reading this newsletter from the arms of their loversor have made mental notes to call their partners after they finish this letter to laugh at single people.

Well, rain will enter your house.

And for those planning to fornicate or have married sex, your transformer will blow and your solar panels will fly away.

Until God does something about this situation.

Ahnahn, how can I not have someone to cuddle at this precarious time?

Too bad.

Anyway, I do not just come with bad news and anger.

What’s keeping me together is the fact that in my next newsletter, I’ll be announcing something really exciting for this community. And this community alone. 

You’ll be getting the details in the next newsletter but until then, let’s keep begging God to do something about this rain. Do you know it is still falling?