Give Yourself Permission To Fall Apart.

Because sometimes you just need to let go and fall apart.

A Tuesday evening is probably the most random time to send out a newsletter. Maybe you just got back from a long day at work or maybe school tested your last nerve and the last thing you want to do is read an email.

Or maybe you’re laying in bed, you pick up your phone to text a friend, this newsletter popped up and it is exactly what you need to read. I don’t know but writing this letter is just as random for me because it’s one of the few letters I don’t schedule. I’ll be sending it out as soon as I finish writing and it’s because of an Instagram post.

The post was by an American Librarian who struggles with mental health issues and has dedicated his page to talking about being a librarian, while encouraging people who struggle with mental health issues.

I don’t follow him but for some reason, his posts always find me at the right time. I can’t say I always relate to them but the ones I do relate to, I really do.

In this particular video post, he was so close to the camera that I could see his freckles and pick out individual strands in his afro. His face was soft and it appeared like he was sitting on the floor but I couldn’t be sure. He seemed to be addressing people who are battling depression. Softly, he said, “it’s okay if you can’t get out of bed today or if you can’t get yourself up from the floor. If you need the cold floor against your cheek right now, then let yourself have that. If that’s what will keep you here, if staying on the floor right now is what will keep you from taking your life, then by all means, stay right there on the floor because the world needs you in it.”

I don’t know if it was the softness in his voice or the calm on his face but it felt like he was giving me permission to stay in bed instead of chasing productivity. However, a few minutes after leaving that post, I thought about it again.

What if you can’t afford to stay on the floor? Or in bed? Or on your couch? Bills need to be paid. You need to stay alive and to stay alive, you need to eat. And to eat, you need to make money. So what then do you do?

I know that’s where savings come in but how many Nigerians do not live from hand to mouth? How many Nigerians can afford to give themselves a day or a week off because life is currently happening to them? How many of us can take time off work just because our mental health is not in the right place at the moment?

These questions are so valid as a Nigerian. More especially as one who was not born with a silver spoon in their mouth or one who is responsible for themselves and probably other people. Do you really have the luxury of letting go? Can you let the world go to shit for a few days? If you called in sick to work, would they understand or will the next email you get be a query or even a termination?

This reminds me of a tweet someone made where they expressed shock at someone who lost her father 10 days ago, yet she was back to work.

Maybe that’s the only way she knew how to process her grief or maybe she simply didn’t have the luxury of missing work. We’d never know but one thing is certain - The average Nigerian does not always have the luxury of staying down for too long.

And for that, I am sorry.

I’m sorry that this is our reality.

I don’t know what is going on right now, maybe there’s so much pain in your heart and it just feels like a lot to keep going. Maybe it feels like there’s some weight on your chest keeping you from standing up and maybe all you can do is sit on your couch and breathe.

I am sorry that the world you live in does not allow you to let go. I am sorry that you have to wake up again tomorrow and face the world even though you don’t want to. I’m sorry if you can’t tell anyone what you’re going through because it’s either they respond with some worse experience thereby invalidating what you’re currently dealing with or they ask you to ‘man up’ or ‘toughen up’.

I’m sorry if everytime you smile, you wish someone would notice that it does not reach your eyes, hold your hand and give you permission to let go.

I’m sorry if you feel all alone and you don’t know the way out of this extreme sadness and loneliness you’re going through.

I’m sorry if each day, you have to figure out how to be strong enough not to fall apart in the middle of the day.

I’m so sorry and I wish life could give you a break.

And I know it is quite easy to say but I hope that once in a while, you give yourself permission to fall apart and feel all your feelings because sometimes, to put things back together again and get it in working condition, you have to take it apart.

And if you are one of the few people with the means to give yourself time off from the world, I hope you do that for yourself.

If staying on that floor all day today is what is going to make tomorrow a bit bearable, then remain there.

If switching off your phone and shutting the world away is what is going to make the heaviness in your chest a little lighter then by all means, leave it off.

If burying yourself in Netflix is what will make you feel better, hand me the shovel.

We have been conditioned to believe that our self worth totally hinges on our productivity but it’s not true. That’s just years of capitalist conditioning so if you can, please give yourself a break.

And if you simply can’t afford that, again, I am sorry. 😔

I hope that the heaviness you carry around becomes lighter.

I hope that one day, you smile with your eyes and laugh from your belly.

I hope that one day, you’re happy again.

I hope that you do not have many days like this one in the future.

I hope that lump in your throat disappears and that bitter taste in your mouth vanishes.

I hope that genuine happiness finds you soon enough.

I love you,

Hauwa.

Okay, back to what you were doing!

Today’s song is - Learning To Live Without You