I Pray For Clarity

Because I don't know again o.

Before I start this letter, let me just say thank you to you for all your responses to the dilemmas in my last letter. To an extent, I was able to make a decision and be okay with it.

It’s officially the first working day of the year and although I do not know anybody who is happy to go back to work, I know that everyone has got plans, goals and projects that they’re working on. Everyone is so fired up to make 2025 the best year yet.

And then, there’s me, who is completely confused.

In December, I was excited about the new year. I had talked to my team on everything I wanted to achieve come January but the first day of the year arrived and I was lost.

My life is a big pot of confusion. I am confused on my career goals, personal goals, finances, social life, love life, mental health, spiritual life. I am not at ease and I keep taking sleep meds hoping I’ll find peace in my sleep but I end up having nightmares.

If someone is not chasing me, they are beating me for sleeping with someone’s boyfriend. I’ve chop too many cane in my dream.

My name is not Macbeth. I didn’t kill anyone for God’s sake. So why am I not at peace?

There’s also a big blob of sadness in my heart and when I am sad, I cannot create and when I cannot create, I feel unproductive and when I am unproductive, I know I cannot make money and that’s just the worst because poverty fires up my anxiety.

I’ve tasted poverty once, I cannot do it again. Hei.

I cannot find refuge in alcohol because I do not drink. Also, the alcohol they’re giving Lagos people to drink is what the devil will see and bow down.

I don’t smoke.

And fornication is not an option because what if my dreams come to pass and I sleep with someone’s boyfriend? I will now chop cane in my dream, still come and chop in real life? God abeg.

Also, if you see the way they are sharing STD in Lagos like party pack? May God continue to save us.

So here I am, in my pocket of sadness.

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SideNote: I feel like this thing is actually a form of attention seeking because why am I sad at the beginning of the year? Is this not when everyone is supposed to be happy and grateful?

I don’t even know again.

But if this is you. If you’re sad, confused and lost, please know that you’re not alone. I am right here with you.

I pray that God gives me (us) the clarity I (we) need because right now? I am completely lost with no direction or solution.

Happy New Year Guys.

I truly hope unlike me, you’re happy and ready to take on the New Year. And if you aren’t, you can be vulnerable here.

Love you,

Hauwa.