I Want To Drag Road With Mad Nigerians
And fight in traffic.
I liked to think my audience across various platforms were different but in the last few weeks, I’ve come to see that the audience I’ve built across Twitter and Instagram are the same. All of them want to turn me into laughing stock.
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Recently, I have been dreaming of getting a car. If you know me, you know this has become 80% of my content. When I told Instagram people to contribute money for me so I can buy it, they told me to go and find somewhere to sit down and Twitter people? Those ones didn’t even do like someone was talking beside them.
This is why I have turned to you, my esteemed newsletter audience. I feel like you guys are more sophisticated so, I have come.
The goal is to get a car and since there are 12,000 of us here, if we contribute 1,000 each, it will be 12 million Naira. The car I want to buy is actually 10 million but we can use the remaining 2 million to do party.
You may want to ask me how much I have saved. I will thank you very much for that question.
I have 3k.
Now, it may seem small to you but if you know how hard it was to stop myself from looking at the shawarma spot today, you’ll know I am very serious about this car.
As a responsible girl, I can never ever ask you to buy something for me without telling you the reason. So, why do I want a car?
I want to be able to splash water on my landlord when he is going out. That man has been annoying me and I want to show him that we are not mates. Also, I want to be able to drag road with people in this Lagos. I too want to be able to roll down and abuse people. Right now, I can’t drag road with people because I walk every where. They can use car to jam me and I don’t want to die. However, I think if I had a car, the playing field will be levelled.
There is one Lastma that I hate at Ogolonto. I want to use car to chase him away from the road. As in, I’ll park my car and wait for him to enter the middle of the road before I start my engine and press accelerator. I won’t injure him. I just want to use bumper to touch his leg, small. Hopefully, fight will happen.
Then, I want to chook my head out of a car like this and eat corn, on the way to my village so my enemies can know I have arrived.
With these few points of mine, I hope I have convinced you and not confused you that you should donate and help me buy car.
Thank you and God bless you.
Also* I want to arrange all my exes on the road and splash detty water on them.
Ah! Hauwa this is very thoughtful of you. You really deserve this car cos your craze needs to be collecting AC under hot sun.
Actually, silver and gold I have not, what I have I shall give to you, that means pe me I don't have money to give you but it's like I have a kidnapping plug that can help you.
Don't fear, lemme explain. Those guys will help you kidnap Kabiru (after all, him too will enjoy the car small), your baale (the man kuku no useful before), and your landlord child (at least, this is December, the man go don dey collect house rent). So if we should kidnap all these people, you can now buy your car and even have more than enough to throw your desired party.
Lemme know if this plan is good for you so we can start work immediately.
By the way, don't mention. I give people advice for a living, emi eyan Daniel Regha.
I don send you N990 - 990 because I want to use the N10 to buy sugar for my garri.
Buy your car and manifest your madness on Lagosians