Is This What Emotional Unavailability Feels Like?

Or Am I Just Dead Inside?

At various points in my adult life, I have heard people claim to be emotionally unavailable and I never understood it.

What do you mean you don’t want love?

I really just thought it was a phrase used by people who needed an excuse to hook up. Forgive me, but the opinion formed after a house party I attended in my last year of university. The semester was due to end in a few months, and there seemed to be celebration every night. At one of those parties, I found myself alone with a guy from my film course. 

I remember very clearly that ‘Superheroes’ by The Script was playing around us when he leaned into me, wrapped his left arm around my waist and breathed against my neck. Lmaoooo. I WAS SCREAMING. His breath smelled of beer, and if you know me, you know I detest that smell. However, that night, it didn’t seem to bother me one bit. (My Alhaji father must have been shaking his head wherever he was).

This was who I had been crushing on all year. The reason I took a film course that contributed nothing substantial to my major other than just make it harder. But it also meant I got to see him every other Friday.

He moved past my neck and whispered, “I am just not emotionally available”

I was not an idiot. I knew what this drunkard was trying to say. I’m not going to tell you how the night ended. You can use your imagination. 

I kid. I kid.

Or do I?

I didn’t understand what he was saying until September of 2022, when I was hit square in the face with my own dose of emotional unavailability. It was happening to me in real time. What is this?

I find myself staring at messages from men come into my phone, realising that I do not have the bandwidth to handle any sort of romance. Which was strange because I am the president of hopeless romantics all over the world. I grew up lost in the pages of romantic novels, staring puppy-eyed at unrealistic romantic gestures on screen, and writing my own romantic short stories rather than listening in class.

My capability to love had never been in doubt.

But here I was, wanting to love but being unable to. What is going on???!!! Why is my heart not following our script??

A few days ago, a gentleman and I found ourselves having an interesting conversation. It led to an exchange of numbers and if you know anything about this mating dance, you’d know this man and myself should have started exchange good morning messages.

But that sounded exhausting, so I ghosted him.

On some days, I find myself on social media, watching videos of couples wrapping their arms around each other and I genuinely want that too 🥺 but I just know the minute someone wraps their arms around me, they’d get hit in the face with my elbow.

Or you try to kiss me? I swear I’d nod you.

I clearly want love but I am too exhausted. Which leads me to these questions - Am I dead inside? Will I ever be able to love again? Is this what emotional unavailability feels like?

I talked to a friend and she asked me to shake it off because ‘I am not getting any younger’ but I couldn’t so I sought out a therapist. After I saw the price, I decided to treat myself by myself by watching Titanic. I thought my heart would jumpstart itself. 💀 

But I just kept feeling sorry for that Rose babe because Jack was disturbing her too much. Today, come and pose for painting. Tomorrow, come let me draw you. He no dey ever rest??

I slept off during the movie so clearly, my problems are much bigger than I thought.

Hence, this letter.

If you’ve ever experienced something like this and got over it, help me please. How did you get your emotions to function well again?

Abeg.

Sincerely,

A hopeless romantic that is slowly losing it.