My Months Of Neglect

Sometimes, all you can do is exist.

These days, my mum calls me more often than ever and every time, I lie.

“Nana, how are you?”, she calls my nickname very softly hoping I’ll lean into it and tell her the truth. Instead, I clear my throat and lie.

“I am fine, mummy! I just came back from an event.”, I try to say brightly.

“Why do you sound tired?”, she tries again, hoping the pry the truth from my lips.

“Oh because it went on for so long, I’m just glad to be back home”, I continue to stand on business.

“Ok, I called to check up on you”, she gives up and I silently sigh in relief. I won this round. I ask her how she’s doing and she says she fine. My father too is doing ok. I mentally make a note to call my dad and ask if he needs help with his finances. I know he’ll say no but I also know that like me, he lies to make everyone feel better.

I say goodbye to my mum.

Click.

The line goes dead and I look at myself in the mirror. My locs are roughly bunched up atop my head. Two strands fall down the side of my face. The t-shirt I’ve been wearing for the past three days loosely hangs down my shoulders, my eyes stare blankly back at my own reflection, I spot the tiny hairs growing out of my chin and for a second, I think about waxing them off but the thought fills me with too much exhaustion. 

I can’t do it. At least not today. Maybe tomorrow. But I’ve been saying tomorrow for weeks now.

It’s 8:04pm. I haven’t stepped out of my house today, I also have not eaten anything. My stomach growls in response to that thought. I don’t need to touch my collar bones to know I have started to lose weight again but cooking is such a chore these days so I pick up my phone and click on that Green and Yellow Chowdeck icon. It opens up. Standing gets tiring so I lower myself to the edge of my bed and scroll through a bunch of food pictures I am not interested in.

If my mum saw me now, she’d consider moving in with me and I cannot have that. I need my months of neglect. My mum is a natural worrier but when it comes to her kids, she’ll worry herself into the ground and I don’t like seeing her like that, hence the constant lies. Another thing my mother completely hates is neglect, for the longest time she told me, if you let something bother you to the point of ugliness, how will you attract the good?

She’s right.

But the person I can’t lie to is myself.

I know I don’t want to fake happiness, I don’t want to go out, laugh and party, I don’t want to drown myself in alcohol (I don’t drink but yesterday someone recommended it and the reason I did not accept it is because what’s the point? I’m still going to come down from the effects of alcohol unless I become an alcoholic), I don’t want to explore the streets sexually because Lagos people are out here sharing std like sweets.

I quickly realized that I don’t want distractions. I just want my months of neglect.

I haven’t reloc’d my hair, I haven’t restocked on skincare, I haven’t gone anywhere nice, I haven’t even used the spa voucher someone gave me on my birthday (and I love the spa). All I have done is lay in bed, worked, talked to Sope (my line manager), prayed for someone to be able to fix my laptop, cried, disturbed my friends, eaten and watched Korean movies.

I’m not writing this newsletter so you’ll feel sorry for me. Oh no no no. Lmao. I may be sad but I know exactly why I feel like this. I’ve felt like this since June and in a few days, an anniversary that will break me will be here.

No, I don’t think I need help. I don’t think I need to go out and ‘feel alive’. I think it’s good to normalize your day, week or month of neglect. But then again, you probably should not be taking advice from me because I haven’t showered in two days.

However, this is how I see it. Everyone is constantly forcing you to be happy and look alive but what if you’re comfortable in your neglect? What if what you need is to be ugly in peace and wear the same shirt you’ve worn since Monday? What if what you need is not to shower for a few days. (Actually don’t take that last advice, it’s horrible)

Anyway, I don’t know if I’m right or I’m leading us further into a hole.

But whatever it is, if you’re also feeling this way, I hope you find comfort knowing that someone else is feeling the same way you are. ME 😂

So enough with the pity party, tell me how you’re doing. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’ll be in bed reading your comments and either laughing and celebrating with you or sending you hugs.

Love you!

Hauwa.

Today, I have two songs of the day because I just came across this artist and I love him already.

Song 1 - Our Place - Justin Lee

My Month Of Neglect

These days, my mum calls me more often than ever and every time, I lie.

“Nana, how are you?”, she calls my nickname very softly hoping I’ll lean into it and tell her the truth. Instead I clear my throat and lie.

“I am fine, mummy! I just came back from an event.”, I try to say brightly.

“Why do you sound tired?”, she tries again, hoping the pry the truth from my lips.

“Oh because it went on for so long, I’m just glad to be back home”, I continue to stand on business.

“Ok, I called to check up on you”, she gives up and I silently sigh in relief. I won this round. I ask her how she’s doing and she says she fine. My father too is doing ok. I mentally make a note to call my dad and ask if he needs help with his finances. I know he’ll say no but I also know that like me, he lies to make everyone feel better.

I say goodbye to my mum.

Click.

The line goes dead and I look at myself in the mirror. My locs are roughly bunched up atop my head. Two strands fall down the side of my face. The shirt I’ve been wearing for the past three days hangs down my shoulders, my eyes stare blankly back at my own reflection, I spot the tiny hairs growing out of my chin and for a second, I think about waxing them off but the thought fills me with too much exhaustion. 

I can’t do it. At least not today. Maybe tomorrow. But I’ve been saying tomorrow for weeks now.

It’s 8:04pm. I haven’t stepped out of my house today, I also have not eaten anything. My stomach growls in response to that thought. I know I have started to lose weight again but cooking is such a chore these days so I pick up my phone and click on that Green and Yellow Chowdeck icon. It opens up. Standing gets tiring so I sit at the edge of my bed and scroll through a bunch of food pictures I am not interested in.

If my mum saw me now, she’d consider moving in with me and I cannot have that. I need my months of neglect. My mum is a natural worrier but when it comes to her kids, she’ll worry herself into the ground and I don’t like seeing her like that, hence the constant lies. Another thing my mother completely hates is neglect, for the longest time she told me, if you let something bother you to the point of ugliness, how will you attract the good?

She’s right. But I cannot physically be beautiful right now, so I lie.

But the person I can’t lie to is myself.

I know I don’t want to fake happiness, I don’t want to go out, laugh and party, I don’t want to drown myself in alcohol (I don’t drink but yesterday someone recommended it and the reason I did not accept it is because what’s the point? I’m still going to come down from the effects of alcohol unless I become an alcoholic), I don’t want to sleep around because people are out here sharing std like sweets.

I quickly realized that I don’t want distractions. I just want my months of neglect.

I haven’t reloc’d my hair, I haven’t restocked on skincare, I haven’t gone anywhere nice, I haven’t even used the spa voucher someone gave me on my birthday (and I love the spa). All I have done is lay in bed, worked, talked to Sope (my line manager), prayed for someone to be able to fix my laptop, cried, eaten and watched Korean movies.

I’m not writing this newsletter so you’ll feel sorry for me. Oh no no no. I know exactly why I feel like this. I’ve felt like this since June and in a few days, an anniversary that will break me will be here.

No, I don’t think I need help. I don’t think I need to go out and ‘feel alive’. I think it’s good to normalize your day, week or month of neglect. But then again, you probably should not be taking advice from me because I haven’t showered in two days.

However, this is how I see it. Everyone is constantly forcing you to be happy and look alive but what if you’re comfortable in your neglect? What if what you need is to be ugly in peace and wear the same shirt you’ve worn since Monday? What if what you need is not to shower for a few days. (Actually don’t take that last advice, it’s horrible)

Anyway, I don’t know if I’m right or I’m leading us further into a hole.

But whatever it is, if you’re also feeling this way, I hope you find comfort knowing that someone else is feeling the same way you are.

So enough with the pity party, tell me how you’re doing. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’ll be in bed reading your comments and either laughing and celebrating with you or sending you hugs.

Love you!

Hauwa.

Today, we have two songs of the day because I just came across this artist and I love him already.

Song 1 - Our Place - Justin Lee

Song 2 - By Your Side - Justin Lee

Just as I was finishing this letter, my friend called me to say he needs to come over with his flatmate as they want to spray their entire house so now I have to go and baff because the only person that is allowed to smell my body odour is me.