Nigerian Men, Their Daddies And Aso-Oke.

I don't know who sent me work.

Let me tell you something. I think there is something wrong with me.

You people have been telling me for years but I did not believe you. Now, I have entered wahala. 😩

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It started when I met a guy at a party. Tall, cute smile, broad shoulders, smells heavenly. Exactly the kind that gets the girl at the end of the movie. In the middle of our conversation, he said -

“What kind of men do you like?”

Me: Rich men (smiles like a thief)

Him: I love women that know how to work with their hands.

My brain: Hauwa, is he talking about house help? We are not doing that one o.

Him: Women that have a certain kind of skill.

My brain: Hauwa, what can we do bayii? We don’t know anything o.

As I opened my mouth to respond, his phone rang and he politely excused himself. When he got back, his brows were furrowed so I asked what was wrong. He said the person that was supposed to deliver the guest aso-oke for his sister's wedding cancelled last minute and the wedding is in two weeks.

Now, instead of me to say ehya and let him continue toasting me, I did not. What did my brain ask me to do instead?

Me: And I can weave aso-oke o.

Disclaimer - I CANNOT WEAVE ASO-OKE.

Him: Really?

Me: Yes, that is what my daddy was doing before he passed the family company to me.

My daddy does not have any company o. The only company he wanted to open with his retirement was car wash. And at the last minute, he used the money to buy 250 snails and ate it in one go.

Smart idea.

Him: OMG! That would be great. You are such a lifesaver.

Me: It is what I do. I save lives.

Him: (slowly moves closer and holds my hand) I think we are going to be in this for the long haul.

My brain: From weaving his sister’s aso-oke to choosing wedding aso-oke. Hauwa, we have won.

Me: (smiles furiously like a fool)

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Two days later, this is how I was looking at the aso-oke machine I went to buy from Ikenne Remo, Ogun State.

Wetin be dis now? How will I learn the hand of this thing?

I don’t even know where I will start from. Which one is all this rope?

Won’t I call God like this? Is this man using leg? Is it brake he is pressing?

Am I not in trouble like this? What will I tell my in-laws?

As I was thinking about my life, the boy called me.

Him: Hey babe, how is it going?

My brain: He is already calling us babe? Lie to him now.

Me: Oh fantastic! I just finished a few batches.

Him: I am so grateful honestly. We have 3,000 guests

Me: Is it the whole Nigeria you are inviting?

Him: (laughs) We actually cut it down. So you said we should get it next week?

Me: Yes yes.

Him: Okay, love you babe.

Is it love that will help me press machine like this?

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After a week of spinning nonsense on the machine, I decided to go to their family house to confess. But I didn't meet anybody. Except his daddy.

Before I could confess, he started giving me a tour of their house. It was when I got to the backyard that I knew why they left the man at home. It is because my boyfriend daddy is a little bit mad.

As I entered the backyard, I saw wooden cage.

Me: (squints at the cage) Sorry sir o, is it not human being that full that your cage there?

Him: Yes

My brain: Hauwa, your village people have caught you.

As I wanted to use style to rewind, Baba held my hand.

Him: Heis stop there.

My brain: Hauwa, can you see your life? Now, they will lock you inside cage.

Me: Sah abeg.

Him: Don’t be afraid. All these men inside the cage are thieves. I usually catch them.

Me: As per Robin Hood?

Him: Because prison is full, I am helping government to relocate other thieves.

Me: So you have prison in your house?

Him: You get it.

My brain: Okay he is really mad.

Him: So what did you come for?

I should confess that I collect money from his son to do aso-oke (that is not ready) so he will arrest me?

Me: Nothing o. I just came to see your son.

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I managed to escape after the tour but then a thought popped into my brain.

My brain: Hauwa NO!

I thought, if I release all those criminals and teach them to weave aso-oke, it will be ready in time.

So I went to break the lock. But instead of them to kneel down to thank me, they knack two by two on my head and ran away.

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Now, this Saturday is the wedding and they are looking for me.

The boy I want to marry is angry because he did not see aso-oke.

His sister is angry because na her wedding.

Meanwhile his daddy wants to injure me because I have released all the prisoners that I low-key think he wants to use for money.

And where am I?

I have used the money to book hotel to think about my next steps.

At this point, I don’t even know if I will marry again. I am just tired.

Anyway, all of us will still die at the end of the day. Let me sleep. When I wake up, I will think about what I want to do.