People That Have Big Weddings Are Terrorists

Bride found comatose in her room due to hate for her own wedding.

“I want a big wedding”, I said with a joyful glee on my face.

I had just seen a wedding on my Instagram feed and I loved everything about it. How gorgeous the bride looked, the grand hall, the decor, the beads, the gele, the dance in, the family members. Everything.

“Hmnnnn are you sure?”, Sope, my manager, squinted and cocked her head at me.

“What?”, the smile left my face immediately, “I absolutely love huge weddings.”

What was she trying to say? Was she really trying to rob me of my dream? Does she know me more than I know myself?

“It’s just that you don’t seem like the big wedding type”, she continued.

What did that even mean? Is Sope my opp? Does this girl not want me to be happy? 

I don’t remember how the conversation ended but I know I held onto my dreams of having a big fat wedding until my cousin got married in October and everything blew up in my face.

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It was 4am.

Someone knocked sharply on the door. I groaned in the hotel bed as the person next to me got up to open the door. We had been expecting the knock so I’m sure the person was wondering why I was whining in bed.

Guys, it was 4am. Come on.

The door opened and my cousin - the sister of the bride - walked in.

I managed to raise my head up and open my eyes, giving her the most deathly stare I could muster at that ungodly hour.

“The makeup artist is on her way. She’ll be here in 15 minutes so you guys should take a bath”, my cousin told us as she tapped her phone, obviously attending to other wedding preparations.

Makeup artist on her way at 4am? Is this not a wedding? Were we not supposed to be having fun? Why are we getting made up at 4am? UGGGGHHHHHH

I plopped back into bed and groaned internally.

It was the Saturday of my cousin’s wedding. She was in another room and had already started her makeup and hair since 3am. I imagined her room was chaotic with people popping in to ask her for details. That poor baby.

“Okay! I have to leave! Please get ready”, the sister of the bride told us and left.

I was not listening to anything anymore. Why am I fucking up at 4am??? Who did I kill? I left this behind in university and I’ll be damned if I went back to it.

“You take your bath first and so the makeup artist can start with you”, I told the person sharing the room with me, trying to sneak in more time to sleep.

I got about an hour more of sleep before the real chaos started.

Before we had even finished getting ready, the bride was already outside in one traditional outfit taking pictures. By the time we joined her, she was on her second outfit. After that, we managed to sneak in a pastry or two from the hotel restaurant before driving down to the traditional wedding venue.

In all of this, I don’t think the bride had eaten anything.

After dancing, singing and the whole theatrics that is the alaga (traditional mc), we had to drive back to the hotel to change into our church outfit. The bride had to touch up her makeup, hair, take pictures and change into another outfit.

Then we drove back to the church where we went through the church nuptials which involved a lot of walking, standing, kneeling, sitting, speaking and dancing. After that came yet more pictures. At this point, (around 1pm) I had to run to sit in the car because it was too overwhelming. And that was for me, who was not even the bride.

The bride was still taking pictures, greeting family, friends, well wishers and SMILING THROUGH IT WHILE RUNNING ON TWO HOURS OF SLEEP AND AN EMPTY STOMACH.

Is this girl lowkey a terrorist?

It is here that I would like to point out that I don’t think she is human because I would have collapsed at that point.

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After that, the bride needed to rework her outfit, hair, makeup and head to the reception. I had still not heard anything about food or a quick nap.

I knew weddings were a lot but you see, I had only experienced them as a guest. The last time I was at a wedding where I was the chief bridesmaid, I was 22 so maybe it was because I was young and had so much energy.

Now??? I’m tired as fuck!

Because why am I waking up at 4am for a wedding? Are we running a military regime? Yes, we are back to that.

If I were the bride, I think - nay- I know I would have shut down.

I sat down to analyse it. Maybe if I chose to spread the ceremony out over two days so I didn’t have to do too much in one day, I’d survive a big wedding. But no man, the thought of seeing people two days in a row will kill me before the wedding events even began.

Bride found comatose in her room due to hate for her own wedding.

Or I’ll just straight up deny my husband.

Husband: *walks into my hotel room*

Me:

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This got me thinking about a lot of things.

I’d always said I wanted a big wedding but it was because I had never truly experienced them as a primary participant. All the weddings I had been to as a guest were fun because I could breeze in and breeze out. For my cousin’s wedding, I couldn’t do that and I hardly survived being a brisdesmaid so what made me think I could handle being the bride in that kind of wedding? 

So what are the other things I’d always wanted that I may actually not be equipped for?

A lot.

And what does that teach us?

That thing you’re so convinced will make you happy? You might get and absolutely hate. Lmao.

And that thing you think you’d hate, you might end up liking.

Like armed robbery.

Rob a bank today.

So experiment with things. You may love them. Or fucking hate them.

But don’t assume.

I mean, don’t throw a whole wedding because you want to test the theory.

But definitely rob a bank. 👍🏾

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Today’s song is Wish You The Best by Lewis Capaldi

I know it’s a romantic song but I really wish you the best with the robbery. Rooting for yew!