Why Won’t People Let Me Be Heartbroken In Peace?

I want to be a heartbroken girlie but the people in my life are a nuisance.

It’s Saturday night, I could be outside right now, eating people’s money but I’m in bed, holding a spoonful of ice cream inside my mouth with my brows furrowed in concentration as I stare down at my phone trying to figure out how to leave someone’s iCloud before they remember I am still there and kick me out.

The last time I left the iCloud plan, I came back on my knees to beg because I swear my phone started vibrating on its own and overheating. Even Steve Jobs, from his grave, could not have done anything to stop it.

It’s at this point that you might ask, “Hauwa, pay for your own iCloud now”.

Brothers and Sisters, I have tried, my cards were not being accepted so I gave up because how will I be stressing something to collect my money? Abeg Abeg. I just begged someone to add me to their family plan for a short period of time and they did.

It’s been almost a year.

Shame is catching me so now, I’m looking for which card actually works with Apple.

Anyway, before I go off on a separate tangent, I am here to talk about my heartbreak.

I just finished eating suya (probably rat meat but✨free rat meat✨) with the security guard that is toasting me so you may think I am not serious but that’s the fantastic thing about being single. Nobody actually cares about you like that anymore so if you like, give yourself food poisoning. Nobody is coming to your house to call you baby and rub your stomach.

*pause for the sadness to lift*

WAI ME???? JUST WAI ME???

Before we get into the story proper, I have to tell you that my story does not have a beginning, middle or an end so I’m just going to beg you to piece it together yourself. If you love amebo enough, it shouldn’t be so hard.

We are going to start with my mother who knew the person I am heartbroken over. My mother is a difficult person to please but she actually liked this one compared to my other men but he went to fuck up so now, she’s over him. And by extension, expects me to be over him. 

The problem is I am not, right? Feelings are not just a switch you can turn on and off. And that makes her so angry. So when she comes over and I have to mourn my heartbreak, I tell her I am going downstairs to lift my weight (my mum loves it when I say I want to exercise). 

Obviously, I am not going to do any rubbish exercise. Which nonsense exercise? I am going downstairs hoping to cry in peace but the problem is, like me, my mother is a stubborn goat. She knows what I am going to do downstairs. I know that she knows but it’s my only escape and I have to take it. 

Now, my mother being my mother would sneak downstairs to catch me crying but before she reaches me, I’d run to my weights and start lifting. 

Mum: Nana are you crying there?

Me: *lifiting like a deranged person* crying ke? For who? God forbid o.

Mum: Better.

She’d proceed to sit in front of me and make calls as I lift, heave and groan. At this point, it’s not the heartbreak for me anymore, my thighs are exploding.

Mum: Will you eat eba after this?

Me:

Is this the time for eba this woman?

As I heave, my mother reminds me that it’s new muscles that are forming so I should endure. CAN THIS WOMAN JUST LEAVE ME TO CRY?? WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT ME MOURNING THIS?

When she finally leaves my house, I fall on my bed and crash with heartbreak being the last thing on my mind. I don’t know if this is her plan but I hate it and I didn’t ask for it.

---

Next come my friends. They don’t make me exercise but they don’t give me a moment’s rest either. They are dragging me from one party to another, trying to set me up on dates but here’s the thing with being in love with someone that does not send you. You know they’ve moved on and are probably telling another girl the sun rises and sets on her face but you’re stuck looking for them in every person and when you don’t find them immediately (heads up: you won’t), you check out.

So here I am, exhausted by people and just wanting to go home but I can’t because I have to show my friends I am not ‘heartbroken’ but the thing is I AM! Let me just rest at home, they say no.

The worst one is the one that made me push her car. This babe is not even a serious person. Make person wey dem just leave dey push car? She say Hauwa channel your anger.

Before you get confused, here’s what happened. She just got her car and she said she wanted to take me for a spin. I don’t know what this girl went to press o. Maybe accelerator or clutch, I don’t even know but the car started making a funny noise and it stopped in the middle of the road so we had to push.

So here I am angry and pushing. To motivate me, this babe is shouting, 

Her: HAUWA DO YOU LOVE HIM?

Me: YES!

Her: PUSH!

I push.

Her: DOES HE CARE FOR YOU??

Me: I THINK SO

Her: PUSH!

I push

Her: DOES SOMEONE WHO LOVE YOU CALL ON YOUR BIRTHDAY???

Me: YES!

Her: PUSH!

I push

Her: DID HE CALL???

….

Her: HAUWA??

….

I burst into tears.

Her: HAUWA YOU ARE NOT PUSHING?

If you ask me to push this your foolish car one more time, I will push it inside the bush.

We called a mechanic and they towed the car as the both of us sat in silence.

---

The next person I am having to deal with is my brother and funny enough, he’s heartbroken too. Actually, his own is his fault because men are funny but he’s my baby and I never want to see him hurt so I listen to him, unable to tell him I am also feeling this way.

He figures something is wrong and asks. I tell him but ask him not to worry.

He is quiet for a long time and then he breaks the silence.

Him: Do you think Daddy made someone do abortion and now she has sworn for all his kids?

Hmn. I think about it.

Me: But our middle sibling is actually happily married. 

Him: Yes, but he’s broke.

Me: You have a point. Should we call daddy?

Him: He lies a lot. He won’t tell us the truth.

Me: We’re fucked, aren’t we?

Him: Yep. But at least mine is not as bad as your own.

True but I end the call knowing that things may be bad but at least, my brother understands me and I can talk to him anytime.

Tell me why this boy texts me the next day to tell me his girlfriend took him back.

That girl is a pussy and if he marries her, she should better know I won’t bless the union.

Anyway, I am sorry if this letter was long and jagged but to be fair, I did warn you. 

At this point, my phone is ringing and it’s my mother. I know the minute I pick, she’d hold her breath trying to catch a sniffle to know if I am crying or not.

She should better save her strength because from what my brother has told me, he is in love with a Christian girl (and I have a feeling he won’t let her go) so all this detective nonsense she is using her energy to do, she should better save it for him and let me just cry in peace.

Nonsense.

I don’t even want to cry again. People are just annoying me left and right. 

As usual, I have a song for you and it’s Seyi Vibes because I am not even in the mood for romance today.

Also: Sometimes, when I’m alone and can actually cry, I just shout ‘ghe ghe’ in the middle of my tears. So I’m actually the weapon fashioned against myself. LMAOO

I hope you sha enjoyed this letter. See you soon. Muah.💋